Toddler Speak

C: "Open dif fo me mommy, open diffff!" (as we're opening all of his birthday toys)

M: "Okay, here, let me open it for you."

C: "Ret me help you~~"

M: "You want to help me help you open your gift?"

C: "Yeah mommy, it's called TEAMWORK"

Normalcy

The weather dictates my mood on an almost daily basis. During the fall/winter months when it's gloomy, cold and rainy, I get fatigued and grumpy. But now that it's beginning to get sunny and warm, I find myself getting happy and energized! Add that to the fact that we're getting braver and taking Lauren out to public places and I almost feel normal again.

We're beginning to take more family outings and enjoying our time together. It feels so good to be out of our dark hole when we were wearing masks around the house because we were afraid of getting Lauren sick with RSV, me pumping every 3 hours, washing pump parts, sterilizing, preparing medications and oxygen tanks.

I never thought that I'd be where I am with this whole ordeal. I'm definitely not 100% better. Not even close. But I was in such a dark, bitter place compared to now. Though, I confess, I think that place is still there - hiding. I'm probably trying to bury it some place deep hoping that it never finds its way back to the surface. Only, I know that no matter how much I try to push it aside, it'll always be there lurking... until I decide to deal with my emotions and sift through all the millions of pieces of me that shattered when I went into preterm labor. The guilt and anger and the worries of "what if" - they slowly seep through at unexpected moments and I turn my back on them hoping that they'll just go away.

I plan to meet with a therapist soon....I just need to make the time. I want to heal from this. I need to be strong for my family because I know that this is going to be a long road of ups and downs. I need to be in the best condition I can to face everything that will come our way so that we can come out of this on top.

But for now, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful weather. And in between the constant doctors visits, therapy sessions and other exams, I'm going to keep claiming the bits and pieces of normalcy we experience and continue to push those pesky unresolved issues aside.

A Lesson In Love

Lauren is beginning to get her nights and days mixed up. She sleeps during the day and then is fully awake at night wanting to be put over someone's shoulder and then walked around. The lack of sleep is beginning to really take a toll on us.

Starting this month, I decided to keep Christian home from school 2 days a week just so I can spend some time with him. He's growing up so fast and I feel like I'm missing out on the cutest age ever. So, today, I had both kids with me. He was an angel. She, well, was not such an angel. I wasn't able to put Lauren down for more than 2 minutes - literally. She was driving me nuts with her shrilly cry.

At one point, I got so fed up, I snapped at her. To me, it didn't sound too bad - I just sounded really annoyed and kept saying, "what! what! what do you want?!" as I was walking down the hall with her in my sling. I walked into Christian's room and in the middle of playing with his toys, he looked down at the floor and just sat there looking sad.

I asked him, "What's wrong, honey?"

C: "Mommy mad to Rauren."

Me: "Oh honey, no, mommy's not mad - mommy's just tired of hearing Lauren cry."

C: "Mommy happy?"

Me: "Yes, honey...mommy's happy. Mommy loves Christian and Lauren very much."

C: "Then, mommy talk nice to Rauren."

I nearly cried when I heard him say those words.

He could've easily been jealous of Lauren because he wanted me to play cars with him all day but I couldn't really.

He could've easily been resentful to her because he was forced to keep on a poopie diaper for over 10 minutes while I was nursing - all he kept saying was "owie, owie - poopie diaper" as he patiently waited.

He could've easily been annoyed at the fact that he was trying to watch tv but Lauren's cry kept drowning out the characters' voices - instead, he went over to Lauren's swing and tried to comfort her with a cheerful, "Hi, Rauren!" as I was trying to get dinner ready.

In that moment when he told me to talk nice to Lauren, I was humbled. I realized he was so right. All day today he was nothing but patient and thoughtful to his little sister.

Today, my son taught me a simple lesson in love.

Our Budding Little Chef

One of Christian's favorite books is a book by Karen Katz called Grandpa and Me where the grandkid and grandpa make a pizza together. Everytime he reads that book, he pretends he's making the dough, sprinkling the cheese, sticking it in the oven and then gobbles up the imaginary pizza. So, we thought it'd be a great idea to make pizza at home and have him really play the part.

I made him a makeshift chef hat using cardstock and tissue paper, presliced all the ingredients and just had him assemble everything. He had a ton of fun and we got to eat a healthy whole wheat organic homemade pizza made by our budding little culinary artist!~ Enjoy the pics!!

Hi Everyone! Today, I'm going to show you how to make a delicious homemade pizza. First, you need to put on your chef hat.

Then, you add some sauce on the crust.


Make sure you put lots of sauce on!


Then, sprinkle lots of cheese.


Add fresh tomatoes and other toppings of your choice.


Here mommy, have a taste!


Mmmm...Pepperoni!


Bake in the oven and Voila! Yummy, delicious, healthy homemade pizza!~


Enjoying the fruits of my labor. Chef Christian signing off!~ ;)

I've Finally Caved...

and jumped on the FaceBook bandwagon.

Because all of my friends are talking about pictures of eachothers' kids on their facebook accounts and I'm the only one who doesn't know what's going on.

But the idea of someone from my past being able to track me down is not appealing. Not that I have anything to hide. But I'm the type of person who likes to weed out all unnecessary relationships and just keep the ones that are meaningful.

I have a close knit circle of people who I can truly call friends and I am soooooooo grateful to have them in my life. I don't want my inner circle to be invaded by a bunch of people I don't really know or care to know.

Plus, I feel like Facebook can take up a lot of time. Time that I don't have to spare. But can easily get sucked into.

Oh what the hell am I complaining about - I run a public blog for crying out loud. And I'm announcing that I'm on Facebook.

I just want to be able to see my friends and their babies.

So girls... how does this work? Do you add me as a friend? And then I get to see pictures? Sorry, I'm Facebook illiterate. =/

Photos

When I was a little girl, I'd go to the library and hated it when my mom would select the books with too many words in them and hardly any pictures. That's how I feel when I look at my blog lately. Too many words and not enough pictures.

So here you go... LOTS of pictures of my TWO wonderful and insanely adorable babies!


SNOW DAY at SCHOOL...



At Tyler's 2nd Birthday Party...



Christian fell asleep on his little chair. He looks like a college kid who partied too hard the night before. Umm...do you love his "USA" socks? And that white-ish fluffy thing he's holding is his beloved Humphrey the Hedgehog. He can't sleep without him.


Little Miss L trying out her new little hair pins.


Christian passed out on mommy's bed from throwing up so much when he was sick... =(


Lauren swimming in her little mary jane socks...


Crazy towel-dried hair after a bath.... I looooove his smile!!


On our way out to go eat lunch with "Nay Gomo" aka Renee


Lauren posing for the camera with her little bunny, Lilou. Lilou has been with Lauren since she was in the NICU. Can you believe that Lauren and Lilou were almost the same size at one point?

A wonderful lady heard about Lauren's early arrival and sent her a bunch of soft plush dolls that are made by a company in Belgium. It's the same company who makes Christian's Humphrey the Hedgehogs. You can purchase them here at her store.

Tell them that Sue sent you!~ I've been a loyal customer for almost 3 years.


Christian holding Lauren...


Little Miss Lauren on her 100th day sporting her booties...


Christian doing "sae bae" on New Year's Day.


Taking a nap together...


The only comfortable position Lauren likes after feeding because of her reflux.


Just too cute for words...

ROP Surgery - Update

So the past few days, Lauren was beginning to vomit frequently after each feeding. Reflux is a very common issue with preemies. Wednesday, when I took her to get her Synagis shot at her pediatrician's office, she seemed okay. But later that night, she had a bad episode of deep gagging and barfing and then would choke a little and hold her breath. We decided to take her temperature and it was at 99.5. She kept sneezing. And her sinus and throat sounded really gurgle-y. We were worried that she might be coming down with RSV (Christian was recently diagnosed with RSV and we were crazy germaphobes for a couple of weeks) and called the doctor. She called us back and recommended against going through with the ROP surgery until Lauren was better. So we left a message at the opthalmologist's office saying that we had to cancel the procedure. Yesterday morning, Lauren seemed much better. Her barely there temperature had gone down and she didn't sound very gurgle-y at all.

We took her to the pediatrician's office and were advised that the surgeon was very adamant about getting Lauren in for her surgery today. She was checked out and the doctor thought that she may be coming down with some sort of bug but that it's still in the early stages and that we'd be able to get the surgery done before it got worse. So immediately after leaving the doctor's office, we went to the hospital and got admitted. I called Ben to come to the hospital as soon as possible.

They began prepping Lauren for the surgery and one of the nurses was trying to put a pulse oximeter on Lauren's foot and instantly Lauren began wailing. During the time when Lauren was in the NICU, she was pricked almost daily for blood samples on her feet. She's traumatized by that so when someone touches her foot the wrong way she'll start crying this deep, sad, i-know-that-pain-is-coming cry and it just breaks my heart.

I changed her into a hospital gown that was about 10 sizes too big. Just the arm hole alone could've fit her entire body. We just sat around and waited. She began crying for food and I just had to told her and have her suck on her pacifier. At first, she wouldn't even take the pacifier because she knew she wasn't going to get any food out of it. But after a while, she finally gave up and took the pacifier and sucked on it vigorously. It was so sad to watch. Seriously, seeing a hungry baby is so sad because you know that if you just give them some food, they'd feel better. I was so tempted to just whip out my boob and let her eat but I kept telling myself that she needed to go through with this surgery. Finally, Ben came.

A nurse came and put in like 4 different kind of drops into Lauren's eyes and left. The surgical nurse came to talk with me to explain the procedure and told me about her 12 year old daughter's friend who was a former 24-weeker and is now completely healthy with the exception of having to wear glasses and to stay hopeful. Then the anesthesiologist came to talk with me. He explained that Lauren would first be given a gas through a little mask to help her sleep. Once she fell asleep, they would run an IV on her and give her general anesthesia through that. He explained the risks and that since she may be coming down with a little cold that there would be some risk and that she may have to get intubated (breathing tube down her throat).

The nurse came back to put another set of drops into Lauren's eyes. Then, before I knew it, the surgical nurse came back with a warmed blanket, wrapped it around Lauren and started taking her away. Ben was able to sneak a little kiss on Lauren's forehead before she was gone.

Then, Ben left to go pick up Christian from school and I hadn't pumped all day so I pumped. A few minutes later, Ben called and said that Pastor Sam was in the waiting room so as soon as I was finished the nurse went to go get him. Then the next thing I knew, the anesthesiologist was holding Lauren and walking towards me. I couldn't believe it was done so quickly.

Her eyes were red and swollen. They had applied some sort of antibiotic ointment on her eyes so they were sealed shut. I asked the anesthesiologist how it went and he said it went really well. That she didn't need anesthesia after all (what?!). They used local (which were the drops they put into her eyes) and they just used some sugar water and she responded really well to that. Apparently, she was so hungry that the sugar water helped to calm her and the surgeon was able to inject her with the dye, take pictures of her blood vessels and then laser all the blood vessels that were growing abnormally - all without her being under. Isn't that great?

Pastor Sam came in and sat with us for a while and then said a nice prayer and was on his way. Because Lauren wasn't put under general anesthesia, I got the ok from the doctor to feed her and she ate. Her suction was a bit weak but she took her time and almost drank a whole bottle. Then, Christian and Ben walked in and Christian was so happy to see Lauren. He kept saying, "Hi Rauren! Hi!!" It was cute. One of the nurses brought Christian some graham crackers and an apple juice so he happily drank and ate. After a while, Ben and Christian left to pick up some dinner and go home.

Shortly thereafter, I got Lauren dressed and we were discharged. At that moment, I was able to let my guard down a bit and I realized how tired I was. It was now close to 6pm and I hadn't eaten anything all day and my first cup of water was when I was pumping so I was famished.

When we got home, I put Lauren down on my bed and let her rest while Ben, Christian and I ate In-N-Out. It felt so good to be back in our comfortable home and back to our normal routine.

Today, Lauren was pretty alert and ate well. She is definitely coming down with something though. She continues to sneeze, throw up and she's somewhat congested. Poor thing. She's gone through so much from the moment she was born.

Thank you all so much for praying for Lauren. Your prayers worked so well that she was able to go through the procedure without getting general anesthesia so eliminated a lot of potential complications. Thanks again, everyone. =)

Surgery - Please Pray

Just got back from the ophthalmologist and her ROP is not getting better. She now has a wandering eye which could mean big trouble. So she's tentatively scheduled to undergo surgery on the 12th. I'm scared as shit because they say there's a 25% chance that even with the surgery, her ROP won't be fixed and she could go blind. That's 1 in 4 surgeries. There's a chance that the surgery will leave scar tissue which could cause her eyesight to go bad. There's also a good chance that she can lose part of her peripheral vision. Please pray for the doctor performing her surgery, the anesthesiologist who will be putting Lauren under and the nurses who will be there to assist. After the surgery, she has to be readmitted to the hospital for a day to make sure she doesn't have any complications with her breathing. Please pray that she won't have to be reintubated and put on a ventilator. Please pray that the surgery goes perfectly and that she won't have any long term effects from this. Please, just pray...

hi... bye

hi...

just coming up for air but no time for a real post. soon though. lauren is home and she's kicking my ass. i don't sleep because she's on a strict 3 hour schedule. so if i'm not feeding her, i'm pumping and washing and sterilizing and changing diapers and doing laundry. i love it. well, i don't loooove it, but it's nice to have some normal chaos in the home rather than NICU chaos.

we are a hectic household with a sick toddler, a burnt out dad, a delirious mom and a teeny tiny little newborn (even though she's over 3 months old!). but we are family. maybe a disfunctional one at the moment because we're trying to recreate a sterile OR in the home and tensions are high but we are still a family.

bye...

Pre-Discharge

Lauren got approved for Medi-Cal and CCS. I guess she qualifies because she was born so young and so small so we don't have to worry about her hospital bills anymore! YAYY~! Sadly, I did not get approved so we're still responsible for paying for my hospitalization, delivery and specialists who came to treat me. boo. Oh well... what are you gonna do?

*********************************

We've officially started the pre-discharge process so Lauren will likely be home next week. We're so very excited and also a little nervous about it. Remember when I told you that she was off the nasal cannula? Well, she was doing well for a couple of days but then during her feeding times, she'd have some really bad spells of O2 desaturations (not enough oxygen in her blood - when it goes below a certain number, she loses her healthy pink-y color and turns a little purple/blue). She desats because she's getting too tired to eat and so she has an apnea (stops breathing) and then bradycardia (heart rate drops).

So, she will be coming home with an oxygen tank which will be used just for feeding times. She'll have to wear a nasal cannula during feeds for a month or so until her lungs get stronger and she's better able to coordinate the whole sucking, swallowing and breathing thing. *sigh*

She also gets a little cocktail of medications that I'll have to make for her everyday. It's a combination of sodium chloride, potassium, a diuretic, vitamins w/ iron and a soybean oil extract for added calories.

I'll also need to fortify my breastmilk with a little formula to make her meals a little higher in calorie because she needs to gain weight more quickly.

I'll also need to take Lauren to see a pulmonary specialist at Children's Hospital regularly to track the progress of her lungs but our social worker told us it takes 3 months to get an appointment (good gawd!).

We'll also have to go to frequent eye exams (either weekly or bi-weekly) until her ROP (hopefully) resolves on its own.

That was about all the information I could handle today so they said they'd go into more detail about each thing later this week.

I'll keep y'all posted as I get more information. Please keep praying for Lauren...

Even More Good News!~

It just keeps on getting better.

Breastfeeding went really well. She actually latched on and fed for a little while. I still had to supplement with a bottle afterwards though. But she was so tired from breastfeeding that she couldn't stay awake long enough to suck on the bottle. Even when she was trying to suck, she couldn't get the coordination right - she was that tired. But she did a really good job. So, from now on, I'll be breastfeeding her at least once a day to get some practice.

Ben just got home a little while ago from the hospital and guess what? The nasal cannula came off!! I can't believe it already happened. I can't wait to see her tomorrow!

Please continue to pray for her. She still has her eye issues that haven't completely resolved yet. And also her lungs. Although she's off the oxygen and although she wasn't officially diagnosed with BPD, she is considered to have respiratory distress syndrome and/or chronic lung disease. As she gets older, in the next few years, and she doesn't catch any nasty colds, her lungs will mature and they will be healthier.

Omg, I can't believe our little munchkin is going to come home soon. I have NOTHING prepared yet. Yikes!

Good News... and Good News

So. You want the good news? Or do you want the good news? Which one? Okay, we'll start with the good news.

Lauren had her eye exam today. It's such an awful thing she has to go through...so I guess there's some bad news to this post. The eye doctor uses this metal wire contraption that basically forces her eyes open and then uses this metal earpick looking thing to dig around the side flaps and flashes this bright light in her eyes while he uses a magnifying glass/scope looking thing to examine her retina. She was wailing and I couldn't do anything but watch. A part of me wanted to kick the doctor's ass for causing her pain but I just kept saying to myself that it's something they have to do to make sure she's okay.

The doctor said her right eye still looks about the same as last week so it's still Stage 2. But her left eye is now Stage 1!!! Yayyyy!~ I'm feeling hopeful... The whole time he was there, I was praying under my breath to just not let it get any worse so I was really happy to hear one of her eyes has improved.

My first breastfeeding session is tomorrow! The lactation consultant warned me to not expect much of anything during this first session. She said it was more like a "meet and greet" so Lauren can get acquainted with my boobs...lol. I have a good feeling she may latch on though so we'll see how it goes. I'm so excited!

I met with one of Lauren's doctors today and she's increasing Lauren's milk intake by another cc so she'll be at 38 cc per feeding, every 3 hours. =)

She's still on 21% oxygen which is "room air" and they lowered the flow to .25 liters. This is a super low setting and the doctor said that basically they left the nasal cannula in her nose so that they could increase her oxygen % if she needed it during feeding times. But Lauren hasn't had her oxygen increased at all for the past 2 or 3 days. It's been at 21% for at least 3 days. So, the doctor said that she will probably get off the nasal cannula in a couple of days! One less wire on her to worry about!

BPD is a lung disease that's diagnosed when a baby needs supplemental oxygen during his/her feedings at 36 weeks gestation. Lauren was 36 weeks on Monday and since she hasn't needed an increase in her O2, the doctor said she probably doesn't have BPD. Yipee!~

Okay, and last but not least... I asked the doctor when Lauren would be discharged. I joked and asked if I could just stick her in my purse and take her home right then and there. The doctor said that if all goes smoothly, Lauren will be coming home anywhere from 10 to 21 days from now!

I'm so excited and totally stressed at the same time. There's so much I need to organize, buy, plan, clean, etc. and I don't know where I'm going to find the time to do all this in between being at the hospital (even more now that I'm going to start breastfeeding) and taking care of the rest of the family.

I've been taking Christian to school in the mornings and picking him up. But when Lauren comes home, I can't take him. Walking into a daycare with Lauren is NOT an option because of all the germs. We've asked Ben's mom to take on this duty but she's out of town for like 3 weeks here and there for the next 2 months. I'm not sure what we're going to do...I guess I have to really figure things out now.

I can't believe our little munchkin is finally going to be home with us. I guess there's a good chance we will be celebrating her 100th day at home.

Thanks for all your prayers and support, everyone. Your prayers are working - God is listening. Please, please, continue to pray for us. Our journey in the NICU may be ending soon but bringing her home will be another journey in and of itself.

Prayer Request

I just finished cleaning up my home office area and opening up a PILE of bills and trying to figure out how to pay what and actually found myself having to prioritize which bills will have to wait until later and which ones need to get paid immediately to avoid late charges. I already called one credit card to ask for an extension - they said to go ahead and make the payment and when I get assessed late charges to call back and try to dispute it then but that they couldn't guarantee anything. Ugh.

Hospital bills are beginning to pile up. Each envelope I open is at least 3+ pages long with a slew of charges. Everytime a neonatologist even breathes on Lauren, they charge $2154. Why didn't they just round it up to $2155? Why the 4? Did they think it'd look like a discount compared to $2155? I was sitting there racking my brain and trying to figure out where to cut costs. I guess we're just going to have to tighten our belts this year and just try to survive.

I applied for Medi-Cal and if that doesn't go through, there's one other State program that I will try to apply for called CCS. The reason why I'm applying for Medi-Cal is that if we do get approved, my hospitalization and delivery may also be covered. CCS is only for Lauren as it only covers children. The first time I was hospitalized was over $23,000 alone. When I saw that bill, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I would maybe understand if that was for the week's duration of my hospitalization but good lord, for 2.5 days?? (Remember, I went into the hospital on a Friday morning and got released Sunday afternoon). Can't wait to see what my 2nd hospitalization will amount to.

So, my prayer request is this: Please pray that we get approved for Medi-Cal. My social worker is trying to do everything she can to get us approved and we've submitted everything we needed to so now it's just a matter of the decision-makers to review everything and give us an answer. Realistically though, since we own property and other things, they say our chances are very slim. *sigh* There's something very wrong with our system, I think. The middle class kind of gets screwed at times like this. You either have to be dirt poor to get help paying for your ridiculous hospital bills or you have to be butt rich to be able to afford paying for these bills out of your own pocket. What happens to people like us who's savings looks like what you would find in the cushions of one's couch in comparison to what they owe in hospital bills?

Anyways, enough rambling. I don't know what's going to happen with all these hospital bills but I need to believe that God will somehow provide. I'm hoping and praying it's in the form of Medi-Cal. Please pray that we get approved.

*******************************************
Update on Lauren: (DAY 80 in the NICU)

She's doing very well. There are no changes with her eyes yet. That's a good thing. As long as it doesn't get worse and stays the same, I'm okay for now. She gets eye exams every Tuesday so I'll update if anything changes. She is slowly but surely improving on her oxygen settings. She is now down to 21% oxygen which is "room air" meaning she's breathing the same amount of oxygen as you and I. Her nasal cannula pressure was at 1 liter for the longest time and then about a week ago, it was lowered to .75. The nurse today said that they were going to decrease it again so hopefully when Ben gets home to give me an update he'll tell me that they decreased it to .50. The goal is for it to go down to .25 and then to zero. Once it goes down to zero, she'll be off the nasal cannula.

Since Lauren was about a week old, she's been getting breastmilk through a tube that goes directly to her stomach. Up until a couple of weeks ago, the tube went through her mouth called OG or Oral Gavage. Then they changed it to go through her nose called NG or Nasal Gavage. They did this so they could start trying to bottle feed her. She's been doing well. She gets fed every 3 hours which equals to 8 times a day. So they started her on 1 bottle a day and 7 gavage feedings. Then, it increased to 2 bottles a day and 6 gavage feedings. Then to 3. And now, they are doing 2 consecutive bottle feeds and the 3rd one via gavage. If she does well, they'll continue to increase her bottle feeds and eventually she'll be taking all of her 8 feeds via bottle. Once I get the okay from her doctors, I'm going to try and work with a lactation consultant to begin breastfeeding. For preemies, especially micro-preemies, they have to learn how to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time when they're trying to feed. It's not like full-term babies where they just latch on and are able to control their breathing and sucking and swallowing. For babies like Lauren, I read it's like trying to climb a flight of stairs while eating a hot dog.

Ben just called and told me he tried to bottle feed her tonight. This was her 2nd in a row and unfortunately she was too exhausted to finish the whole bottle so the rest had to be fed to her via NG. But they did decrease her to .5 liters on her oxygen settings. (yay~!)

She's also out of her isolette and in a bassinett. You know, the kinds that full-term babies are pushed around in at the hospitals. But now that her body is working to regulate her own body temperature and she's also getting a work out trying to bottle feed, she's not gaining weight as fast as she was. But she's still a whopping 4lbs 13 ozs!! Almost 5 pounds, babyyyyy!!~ I'm hoping she reaches 5 pounds by Thursday.

My cutie beauty is getting bigger every day and I'm so glad. One of the nurses told us she was the best dressed baby in the NICU (thanks Jen, Jess & Cindy for the preemie clothes!~)

Even in the midst of all these hospital bills that surround me, I'm happy because she's alive and she's improving. There's hope that she'll be coming home soon and I can't wait for that to happen. I'd loooove to be able to celebrate her 100th day at home but there's a good chance that we'll be celebrating it at the hospital. I'm planning on getting 100 mini cupcakes for the NICU staff and having a little cupcake party. Never did the korean term "baek il" (100 day birthday) have so much significance and meaning as it does now for Lauren. She's come such a long way. I can't wait for everyone to meet her. She's truly a miracle to have survived being born so freaking early...


VOTED "NICU'S BEST DRESSED"
Lauren Faith Ahn, Class of '09



"Hi everyone!~ This is me after a bath. Thanks for praying for me . Please continue to pray for me so that I can get healthier and go home soon. This is one expensive hotel I'm at! See you all soon!~"