Friday, August 20, 2010

fever that won't quit...

So we're going into day 3 of this wretched fever.  Basically, Lauren hasn't been eating.  We had to starve her yesterday because she kept throwing up the night before and it got to the point where she was dry heaving and she couldn't even keep down an ounce of water.  The doctor said to just give her pedialyte pops so that's what we did for most of the day.  But now, she's taking about 3 oz of formula mixed with 1 oz of water about every 4 hours. 

It's killing me. 

When I change her diaper, she literally looks like a malnutritioned bag of bones. 

It's quite disturbing. 

This post isn't going to flow. 

My mind is all over the place.  Especially because it's late at night and I have no distractions and I'm kind of just left alone with my thoughts. 

I don't like it. 

I have nothing to do but to just feel...


I thought it'd be okay for her to just get sick...a little exposure to germs would be good to build up her immune system...or so I thought. Wrong!  Clearly not for her.  :(

Last night, she was crying in her sleep for "nummy, nummy" which is what she calls food.  It made me so sad, I cried.  So I finally caved and gave her a tiny bit of formula and she gobbled it all up and luckily she kept it down.

I feel a deep deep guilt.  This is all my fault.  My stupid, incompetent womb couldn't do it's fucking job and keep her in like a fucking mom should and now every time she fucking gets sick we're always going to wonder if she had only been born 16 weeks later like she was supposed to, maybe she wouldn't be so sick.  Maybe she wouldn't be so skinny.  Maybe she would be eating better.  Maybe, maybe, maybe, fucking maybe! 

I hope the fever breaks by tomorrow and then I'm putting her on a high calorie diet which means she gets to eat whatever the fuck she wants to eat as long as she eats.  I've heard that after babies get sick, they tend to go through a growth spurt.  I really hope that's the case for Lauren.  God knows she can really use a growth spurt right now.