Breaking The Silence...

For over a year now, I've contemplated how to speak out and share what I've been going through without shame and guilt. But I still don't have the words. Coming out of a mental, physical and emotional fog - it affects EVERYTHING. I am beginning to see more clearly what kind of monster I've been enabling all these years. I'm not sure whether I should bare it all here or somewhere else. All I know is that if I don't dump my thoughts somewhere where I feel seen and heard, I might go crazy...

fever that won't quit...

So we're going into day 3 of this wretched fever.  Basically, Lauren hasn't been eating.  We had to starve her yesterday because she kept throwing up the night before and it got to the point where she was dry heaving and she couldn't even keep down an ounce of water.  The doctor said to just give her pedialyte pops so that's what we did for most of the day.  But now, she's taking about 3 oz of formula mixed with 1 oz of water about every 4 hours. 

It's killing me. 

When I change her diaper, she literally looks like a malnutritioned bag of bones. 

It's quite disturbing. 

This post isn't going to flow. 

My mind is all over the place.  Especially because it's late at night and I have no distractions and I'm kind of just left alone with my thoughts. 


I don't like it. 

I have nothing to do but to just feel...


GUILTY.


I thought it'd be okay for her to just get sick...a little exposure to germs would be good to build up her immune system...or so I thought. Wrong!  Clearly not for her.  :(

Last night, she was crying in her sleep for "nummy, nummy" which is what she calls food.  It made me so sad, I cried.  So I finally caved and gave her a tiny bit of formula and she gobbled it all up and luckily she kept it down.


I feel a deep deep guilt.  This is all my fault.  My stupid, incompetent womb couldn't do it's fucking job and keep her in like a fucking mom should and now every time she fucking gets sick we're always going to wonder if she had only been born 16 weeks later like she was supposed to, maybe she wouldn't be so sick.  Maybe she wouldn't be so skinny.  Maybe she would be eating better.  Maybe, maybe, maybe, fucking maybe! 

I hope the fever breaks by tomorrow and then I'm putting her on a high calorie diet which means she gets to eat whatever the fuck she wants to eat as long as she eats.  I've heard that after babies get sick, they tend to go through a growth spurt.  I really hope that's the case for Lauren.  God knows she can really use a growth spurt right now. 

Dude...I just reread what I wrote last night and how depressing and sad was I??  I'm much better today.  I think I've just been REALLY. BURNT. OUT.  My nanny came over today to help me out even though she already came on Tuesday (she usually only comes once a week) and I was able to somewhat relax. It was still chaos here but having an extra pair of hands ALWAYS makes a difference so I was able to have *some* time to myself.  So I've been in a good mood.  And Lauren hasn't thrown up.  But nanny's gone now.  Thus, back to reality~~

Someday...One day, when I'm ready, I shall write about the aftermath of Lauren's birth and the help I've sought and what I've learned so far from all of it because I know there are some preemie moms who search the internet and end up coming to my site.  But I'm still processing what's happened. I'm still chewing and chewing and trying to swallow everything that's happening and I'll tell ya, it's one tough piece of meat to digest.  And who knows what kind of shit's gonna come outta the other end.  =/

xoxo~

So many times I've wanted to write but just never had the time.  This is my space to dump my thoughts.  To purge.  To just rid myself of at least one of the millions of thoughts that go on in my brain.  But I never have the time.  Or the energy.  Or the balls.  Because most of my thoughts are deep.  Or confusing.  Or so bombarded with other thoughts that they aren't complete.  So I'll start a post but never end up finishing it because there is no end to what I'm thinking. 

The past couple of weeks have been difficult.  Raising 2 kids.  Making a marriage work.  Still trying to heal from all of what happened with Lauren's birth.  It's fucking hard.  In between all the good stuff - and there ARE good (great, even!) things going on in our lives - there are still lots of growing pains and scars and struggles that happen on a daily basis.  And sometimes it's a bit much for me to handle.  Which then of course affects the whole family.  And then, that all falls on my shoulders and makes me feel even shittier.  Bah!

Anyways... I don't even know what the point of this entry was.  Just that... Lauren keeps throwing up here and there.  And it's really not a big deal, but the past few days, it's hit me hard.  And I've been crying.  Like anything can just trigger the whole lump in my throat, eyes welling up with tears, voice shaking then instant, uncontrollable sobbing.  My heart and soul just fills will pure sadness and I become utterly depressed. 

I think thoughts like my family would be better off without me.  Everything I touch turns into shit.  I'm so sorry to Lauren for fucking up her life.  I'm so sorry to Ben for meeting a fucked up girl like me and having to deal with all of my shit.  And poor Christian who has to get scolded from me when I'm having one of my "moods".  Me - confident, self righteous, know-it-all, I am woman, hear me roar me - weeping and sobbing and feeling sorry for myself.  So out of character.  Yet, when I do have these few and far between moments where I just cry and cry and cry because I feel like a fucking failure as a person, as a mom, as a wife - in a way, I feel better.  I feel human again.  I feel. again.  I feel like shit, but it's like for the first time, in a long time, I'm letting my guard down.  I'm allowing myself to feel vulnerable.  And it's scary but maybe I'm doing it because I finally feel like it's safe to do so.  Or maybe I'm doing it because my mind can't hold it in anymore.  I don't know.

All I know is I'm still kind of in an emotional rut.  The sadness still comes and goes.  It's better than it was a few days ago but still, I'm sad.  I still feel like a failure.  I need to change.  I need to make amends.  With myself?  With God?  With my kids?  With my husband?  I also need Lauren to eat better.  That's her biggest struggle as a result of her being born so early.  Homegirl will NOT eat much.  I don't push it.  A part of me is tired of trying.  A part of me is scared.  A part of me is traumatized.  A part of me is just hoping that she'll eventually miraculously catch on somehow.  Who knows. 


Whatever.  I'm tired.  I'm turning off the comments for this entry because I just wanted to vent.  Thanks for listening and if it doesn't make any sense, it's probably because it doesn't. 

Btw peeps, this is just one little thought in my head.  I'm not always feeling like this.  So friends, don't think I'm all this depressed, sad, person who sits in the corner of the room not living life.  Remember, this blog is where I dump my thoughts when I can't stand it no mo'...and most times, it's when I've got a negative thought.  When I've got happy thoughts, I'm too busy doing happy things to sit here in front of the computer to write about it!  Got it?  Don't judge a book by it's cover.  ;)

The Perfect Parent

What does that mean? This thought has been bugging me the past few days. It keeps popping into my head at random times so I feel like if I don't dump this thought out, it won't leave me alone. Ever get those? It's annoying.

Anyways... I guess I've been thinking about it because I'm beginning to see that Christian is no longer a little toddler but he's turning into a little KID now. It's all happening oh so fast. Not so much like he's physically getting big, (of course, that too) but more like I'm getting glimpses into his brilliant little mind and I'm realizing he's no longer my baby but his own person with his own deep thoughts. And I do mean deep. The boy's got some deep layers already. He reminds me so much of me when I was young. For me though, since my parents didn't speak much English and I couldn't speak much Korean, sadly, our conversations were pretty limited and it was very frustrating for me. So I try to have conversations with Christian as much as I can. He's trying to wrap his 3 1/2 year-old mind around all sorts of things and to be honest, I don't know how to answer this stuff. "Where does God live? He can see us? Who made this sink? Did God make this sink for us?" And the past nearly 2 weeks, he's been very stressed about not wanting to grow up.

Every night, he keeps saying to me that he doesn't want to grow bigger. He says stuff like, he doesn't want to turn 4. He wants to stay 3 and for Lauren to stay 1 forever because he doesn't want to grow up. It's like he's sensing that he's not that oblivious little toddler anymore because he's experiencing emotions and actually pondering lots of thoughts which he hadn't before. He says that if he grows up, he'll be too big and that I won't be able to carry him and that his feet will drag on the floor. He's even cried because the thought was too much for him to handle. He said that he didn't want to grow bigger than daddy. Although, I think he's getting the concept of growing up, physically getting bigger and growing older all confused - something about getting older to him, is stressing the poor kid out. It made me cry too.

And as I converse with this little mini adult, I feel a fear growing inside of me about the future. The future of his adolescence when there will be temptations of social peer pressures such as ditching school, girls, drugs - that whole experimental/rebellious stage. And I feel like today's youth is worse than ever before. So I'm constantly thinking how I can be a better parent - what do I need to do to make sure he stays a good kid who knows better, has his priorities straight and becomes the type of kid who'll want to stay away from stuff like that. How do I become the Perfect Parent?

But what does that even mean? Does the perfect parent even exist? I was thinking... Who, out of all the parents I know, would I consider to be the closest thing to "perfect"? No one, really. We all have flaws. What defines a perfect parent? Or an ideal parent? What are the qualities that define that role? If your kid turns out healthy, happy, and just generally good - does that reflect good parenting skills? And if your kid turns out to be screwed up, does that reflect bad on the parent? Does perfect parent = perfect kid?

Then I thought - Duh! God! God is "perfect", right? And, God is our Father. Therefore, God is the perfect parent, no? So then, how come we're not the perfect kids if God is the perfect parent? (As I'm thinking all of this, I'm simultaneously thinking, why the hell am I thinking about this shit? But this is what my brain does. It doesn't like to stay stagnant so it creates drama for itself and provokes annoying thoughts and drives me crazy. I'm also thinking that I need to pay the bills, reschedule some appointments, fold the laundry, and that I'm tired and I wish I could turn my brain off. *sigh*) Now where was I? Oh yeah... God. The Perfect Parent. So if God is perfect then how come we're all so screwed up?

Because...

He gave us this darned thing called Free Will.

This damned Free Will scares the shit out of me.

Because of it, no matter what I do as a parent, there are no guarantees. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we all have the freedom to choose what we want to do, I guess. But sometimes, I guess lots of times, I think it would've been a lot simpler if Adam didn't eat the forbidden fruit and we all lived naked, picking berries and frolicking around in the Garden of Eden and just doing as God says. At least that's what I picture in my crazy head.

Anyways... back to the subject.

I know people who were raised by wonderful parents who marinated their kids with love and support but the kids ended up, well, pretty screwed up. Which then got me to think...what's the ideal outcome for your child? What do I want for Christian and Lauren?

I want them to be happy, healthy, responsible, loving, giving, compassionate, generous, honest, respectful, smart, humble, influential individuals knowing that God exists and making Him the center of their lives (even though my future entries will sound like I am challenging God, I do believe in Him and I want my children to believe in Him. Because, I do believe that without Him, there is no purpose in life. Eh... it's complicated.) So how do I get a favorable outcome like this when I've got Free Will working against me?

Prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

And faith?

I don't know.

I just gotta make sure that Ben and I, as parents, teach them the proper lessons in life to equip them with the right tools to make their own decisions when they're faced with challenges and pray for the best. But without them making their own mistakes and learning from them, they won't know right from wrong and they won't grow into the good individuals that I want them to be. No?

It was because of Free Will that made me choose to accept Christ in Jr. High when my good friend took me to a retreat one summer. Then, it was Free Will that made me choose to become a rebellious teenager thereafter and an ever crazier party girl in my early twenties. I was every parents' worst nightmare. I started smoking in my early teens, I experimented with drugs, I ditched school ALL the time but I was a smart kid. I was in all those honors classes and even competed in Academic Decathalon. I was a rebellious nerd. But I blame my rebellion because of my fucked up childhood (that's another post - which could take many many posts to explain. when i'm ready and in the mood.) I would probably die of a heart attack if my kids end up doing half the things I did growing up (Oh God, please don't let them be that bad, please!). I was one screwed up kid. But it was the grace of God that I think I ended up okay (On the outside. Mentally, I think I'm a mess). I got married to a freaking awesome man and we have 2 freaking beautiful children. But if it wasn't for my experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. So I feel like it's almost necessary to go through the bad to get to the good. Ugh.

There seems to be a fine balancing act with all of this. Free will and parenting. Ultimately, I guess I just need to trust God and know that He has a plan for us. And just pray that I do the best job I can to be the best parent I can in this screwed up world we live in.

But now, it's got me thinking this - If God has a plan for all of us, doesn't that mean that our lives are already predestined?

And how does predestination and free will come into play with eachother?

Great...

Another friggin thought that will probably eat away at my brain. *sigh*

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm alive...this blog is alive. There's so much I want to share. I've just been super busy. Living life. Taking care of my two awesome kids. I'll be back. Hopefully soon. One of my goals in 2010 is to write more often so I'll be back soon~~~ =D

xoxo~~

Toddler Speak

C: "Open dif fo me mommy, open diffff!" (as we're opening all of his birthday toys)

M: "Okay, here, let me open it for you."

C: "Ret me help you~~"

M: "You want to help me help you open your gift?"

C: "Yeah mommy, it's called TEAMWORK"