Merry Christmas!~

Praying that everyone has a wonderful and meaningful Christmas...



Love,

Christian, Lauren & Family

Updates

Well, as you can see, I've changed my blogger template. I think it fits me.

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Christian has basically stopped eating for almost a week now. He caught some gross stomach virus that's going around. He was vomiting like crazy starting from Monday night. I had to wash two of his bed sets, one of my bed sets, one of ben's bed sets (he sleeps on the couch due to his chronic snoring) and lots of other blankets. Have you ever seen a toddler projectile vomit down to his feet while laying flat on his back? It was so sad and so awesome at the same time. I've never seen anything like it.

Anyways, he's been puking and diarrheaing all week. One day, after washing sheets and cleaning up puke all day long, I really had a bad bout of depression. It really hit me when Ben and I were kneeling next to Christian as he was puking into his puke trash bag - I just started crying..and then Ben started crying...and Christian was puking... and I was thinking, "how much more can God throw at us right now?!" I wanted to seriously die right then and there.

I feel so bad for Christian. Poor guy. On top of that, since he's not feeling well, he's grumpy and testy and defiant - so he keeps getting in trouble from his parents. He's not liking life too much right now. AND...he looks like a lollipop. He's got this big head with this skinny little malnutritioned body that's just screaming for food but all he'll eat is a couple of nibbles of this and that.

In spite of his sickness, he managed to go to school on Friday for his school's Christmas performance. He didn't sing - he just sat there on stage. He clapped a few times and did some hand motions but that was about it. It was still insanely cute though and we even captured a moment where he looked like he threw up in his mouth a little bit and kept it down. lol...


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There is good news and bad news about Lauren.

The good news is that she's almost 4 lbs now! Can you believe that? She weighs 3lbs 14oz now. Just a couple more ounces and she'll be 4 lbs. She looks so big to me now... She's beginning to look less sickly and looks more like a very small infant.

The bad news is that she was diagnosed with early onset of stage 2 ROP (retinopathy of prematurity) on both her eyes. ROP is a common micro-preemie condition where the blood vessels in the retina grow abnormally. There are 5 stages with stage 1 being the least damaging (maybe needing glasses) to stage 5 (blindness). She's been getting weekly eye exams. The exams prior to this diagnosis showed no signs of ROP but then it jumped to stage 2. That's not good. She gets another exam on Tuesday and it needs to either stay the same or regress. If it gets worse, she may need to undergo surgery. If that happens, she may lose her peripheral vision and there is risk of scar tissue building up and that would do damage to the retina and then screw up her sight even more. They say alot of stage 1 and stage 2 ROPs can resolve on it's own. Let's hope that's what happens here. It just scares me more because it seems like it's progressed rather fast which is a bad sign.

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Prayer Requests

Please pray that Christian gets better from this virus - he's been a wreck physically, mentally and emotionally as a result of all this. He's not his usual spunky self. He seriously looks depressed. Doesn't want to eat, doesn't want anyone near him except his mommy and daddy and all he wants to do is lay in bed.

Please pray that Lauren's ROP resolves on its own. The mere thought of her undergoing surgery just makes me sick to my stomach.

Please pray that Lauren gets off her nasal cannula soon. She has RDS (Respiratory Distress Syndrome) and if she continues to have to rely on any type of oxygen assistance it can progress to BPD (Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia) which is a lung condition where she continues to have breathing difficulties.

There's a ton more prayer requests but I'll keep it at the immediate ones for now.

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I know everyone is probably very curious to see pics of Lauren. At first, I was hesitant about posting any pics of her because, well, they aren't very nice pictures when it's of a teeny, tiny infant laying in an isolette with wires and IVs all over her body. Also, posting pics or providing updates on this blog gives me a sense of control in a situation where I basically have no control over (I'm a HUGE control freak). So I wanted to find the right time to begin posting pics of Lauren's progress and I think I'm beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the idea. However, the times when I'm writing up new posts, is when I'm usually in bed on my laptop and all of my picture files are on my mac in the living room and I'm too lazy to go out there to use the computer. But, one day very soon, I will begin posting pictures.

Thanks everyone for all your support and prayers. Despite the problems Lauren is facing, she is still considered to be doing relatively well for her size/age...and I know that has everything to do with all of our friends and family praying for her. Please don't stop praying - she still has such a long ways to go before she can come home.

God? Is that really you?

For weeks and weeks, I've felt very... abandoned by God. I felt like God wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. I felt like this was all his fault - that he made it this way. I blamed him and I was angry at him. Not to say that I don't feel this way anymore - I do. I still feel angry and frustrated at times. I still feel like God sucks for allowing something like this to happen to our little girl. I'm still mad at him. But despite all the hate I felt towards him, I felt like I had to pray. Because I had no other choice. Because he was my only hope. And I even said to God that I thought he was sick. Sick in the head for allowing this to happen to Lauren only to make me come to him and pray to ask him to fix it.

As time passed, I began telling God that I needed to just 'feel' him - to know that he was there for us. For weeks, I got nothing. You have no idea how abandoned, how unimportant and how unloved I felt. To have this type of devastation in your life and feel so bitter and angry at God... and then putting your resentment aside and praying to him to please, make things right and praying to him to please, make his presence known. And still... I got nothing. So I gave up on praying for a little while. My prayers didn't flow. It didn't feel sincere because really, I had no idea who the hell I was praying to and if it even made a difference.

But then, Lauren's daily blood gas results (where they prick her foot to get a sampling of blood to see how well her lungs are getting rid of the CO2 in her body) were getting high. Her CO2 parameters of what was considered acceptable was anywhere between 40 and 60. If it was too high, then it meant that her little body wasn't getting rid of CO2 well and then she'd have to be re-intubated (breathing tube down her throat). It was always in the mid 50s. Then, it increased to 57..then 58...and then finally it was around 59.

I panicked.

I began to feel so worried that out of desperation, I prayed. This time, my prayers flowed. I began challenging God.

I recalled when our pastor came to pray for Lauren he read us a scripture and gave us a message about the mystery of God - that basically, with our mortal minds, we're not able to understand or comprehend what it is that God is working towards but that he has a plan... and the magnitude of God. That he's so capable and so powerful that we, often times, don't ask for enough because we don't expect that it'll happen. But we need to realize the magnitude of what God is capable of.

So I challenged God.

I said, "You're supposed to be powerful right? The magnitude of what you can do is beyond anything I can imagine? You're that awesome? Then I can ask for specifics, right? So here... I'm asking. This is what I'm asking for. That you bring her CO2 level down. And I don't mean down, I mean ALOT down. And I want her off this machine, Lord, please. I don't want her to be on it anymore because it's not good for her. It's not good for her lungs. Please, make her lungs strong and develop more healthy alveoli (air sacs) and let her rid the CO2 better. And her eyes, please make sure her eyes are developing properly. In fact, I want her to have better than 20/20 vision. I want her to not have any type of preemie issues. I want all of her organs -her brain, heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys - I want all of that to be IMMACULATE. STRONG. HEALTHY. PRISTINE. I want her central nervous system to be PERFECT. I want her to have strong, healthy bones. Please, this is what I'm asking for. I know you can do it. I know that all you need to do is just put one finger on her whole body and she'll be healed. Just do it, Lord. Just place a finger on her - just breathe on her. Do something. Do whatever you need to do, because I know, for you, it's supposed to be a piece of cake - you're more than capable. " And then I included an, "oh, and please, please, make her head shape round out perfectly." =)

A couple of days later, on Friday early afternoon, I called the nurse to get an update on Lauren since I wasn't going to be able to make it to the hospital (Christian was sick). She told me her blood gas was down to 49! It hadn't been in the 40s in weeks! All of the sudden, her blood gas dropped! I was ecstatic. I thought to myself, "could it be? did God really answer my prayer?"

That night, Ben went to go see Lauren. I decided to stay home just in case I was incubating Christian's cold - I didn't want to take the chance and take cold germs over to the hospital. Ben texted me when he got there and said that Lauren was OFF THE SiPAP MACHINE!!! She was put back on the nasal cannula.

Then, last night, Ben's mom calls me. She had just gotten home from church and said that a former pastor's wife, who has the gift of dreams, had a dream about Lauren. The lady said that she saw Lauren in the hospital...and that Jesus himself was holding her. And he was feeding her. But it wasn't milk. It was something that was steaming or something like that. I wasn't exactly understanding what she was saying because she wasn't able to explain to me what certain words meant in English. But whatever Jesus was feeding Lauren, it was something spiritual. And he said not to worry. That he's taking care of her and that he has a plan for her. That she'll live and not to worry.

That made me feel good. Then, my cynical side comes out and I wonder why would someone we don't even know have a dream about Lauren being okay and not us?

When we went to church the other week, the message was about God making himself known. Our pastor talked about the story of Elijah. How he was tired and discouraged. And an angel told Elijah that God was going to reveal himself to him. Then a strong wind comes but it wasn't God. Then a big earthquake hits... but it wasn't God. Then a big fire breaks out...but it wasn't God. Then, after all that, a gentle whisper comes ... and that was God.

God, is this really you? Are you speaking to me in these subtle ways or are these all just coincidences? If it's you, please, please...continue to answer each and every one of my prayers. Make her strong. Make her healthy. Make her perfect. I want nothing less.

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Lauren went from nasal cannula to CPAP and then to the SiPAP machine on November 14th. On Friday, December 5th, 21 days later, she was taken off the SiPAP and she's back to the nasal cannula. For her being born nearly at the cut off of viability as a 'micro-preemie', being on a SiPAP for only 21 days is supposed to be super good. We are so very happy... you have no idea. But at the same time, we're scared because it's not uncommon for babies to go back on the machine after they've been taken off of it. It's already happened once with her so we're trying to be cautious and not get too overly excited.

Please continue to pray for Lauren. Her eye exam is tomorrow. Please pray that she will pass with flying colors.

So much....

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My dearest Christian,

Thank you. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving son. You have been so patient with mommy and daddy as we're trying to juggle the many obstacles we're being challenged with. You have been so understanding about us not spending as much time together so that we can go to the hospital to be there for your little sister. Times with you should be more difficult since you are smack in the middle of what they call the 'terrible twos' and with all that's going on and the lack of attention you're getting, you have every right to act out. But instead, you're more aware and I see you try to be a good son - to make mommy happy - to be a good big brother and pray for your sister every day. I feel so blessed and so extremely privileged to be your mommy.

You are the sweetest, funniest, happiest boy ever. Whenever you think about Lauren, you mention her and you say you want to pray for her. So then, you clasp your hands together and squint really hard to keep your eyes closed and you begin praying. And each time I see that, it hits me so hard in the heart. My heart cries that you have to carry such a heavy burden at your young age. Already, you have taken a role in this family where we are dependent on you. You are our rock. You keep us grounded. You keep us from giving up. You keep us from breaking down. You fill us with hope...with joy...with love... and gratitude.

But sometimes, I get so stressed and upset with everything that's going on I lose focus of how precious you are. And then I feel terrible. And at times like this when I'm reflecting about my life and I think about your adorable little face, the realization and weight of my love for you crushes down on me. My heart hurts because I love you so much. Because I want to do everything I can to make you feel safe, healthy, happy...loved. I know I don't always make you feel those things and I know my love is inadequate...and I'm sorry.

Thank you for being so pure, so good, so sincere, so sweet and so forgiving.

Me: "Christian, do you know how much I love you? Hmmm?"

Christian: "So much, mommy... So much!"

A sample of what's going on in my brain...

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Unbelievably busy. I wish there were about 12 more hours in a day. My schedule consists of generally the same routine -

Wake up
Pump
Feed Christian breakfast, wash him up, get him ready and take him to school
Come home, wash up and get ready
Pump
Go to the hospital - hang out with Lauren, talk to the doctor, nurse, respiratory therapist and anyone else who's helping her. Stay there for about 2 hours.
Pump (either at the hospital or at home depending on how much time i have)
Do errands - grocery shop, target run, dry cleaner, etc.
Come home and...
Pump
Wash dishes
Wash pump parts
Start prepping for dinner
Pump
Go pick up Christian from school
Come home and if Ben can leave early, he'll meet us at home to give Christian a bath...if not, I have to give Christian a bath
Make dinner
Pump (eat before or after pumping, depending on the time)
Clean up
Wash dishes
Pump (while Ben gets Christian ready for bed)
Go to the hospital
Come home (around 11pm)
Pump (while Ben starts washing the pump parts)

I hate pumping - it's exhausting. But, I have to continue doing it for Lauren. That's the only thing I have to offer her right now. I want her to take breastmilk for as long as she possibly can. I'll pump for 2 years if I have to.

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If I were still pregnant, I'd be 29 weeks 1/7 days today. Lauren is now a month old. Or, -11 weeks 4 days old. I know, it's confusing. There's several ways to place an age on a preemie baby. There's "actual" age, which is the day she was born - so she's a month old. And then there's "adjusted" age, which would be the age she would've been if she was born on her due date of Feb 2, 2009 - hence, the -11 weeks old age. This is why preemies are considered "delayed" - So when Lauren's 1st birthday comes around, she'll be the equivalent of an 8 month old since she was born 16 weeks early. It sucks in that sense because on her dohl, she'll still look and act much like an infant. They say it generally takes 3 years for preemies to catch up - mentally and physically. I'm okay with that to a certain extent. I know I shouldn't be worrying about things like this but I'm already concerned about annoying people comparing my baby to a full-term baby and saying shit like, "oh, she's so small" or "she seems younger than that.." I don't want to have to sit there and explain to them that she was born 16 weeks early but I also don't want them to come up with their own conclusions either. (I know, this shit is so irrelevant but hey, it's what's on my mind right now so I'm writing about it.)

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Lauren got off the ventilator a few days ago and now she's on a machine called a SiPAP which is like the CPAP except instead of continuous air pressure, it's a certain amount of breaths per minute. We're hoping she gets off the SiPAP and eventually back to the nasal cannula. The SiPAP looks so uncomfortable and she really hated it when they first put her on it. She was kicking and flailing her little arms and crying. It was so sad to watch.

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People often ask me about how Lauren's doing. I don't know how to answer that, really. I say, she's doing okay and usually leave it at that. Generally, ppl think that since she's alive and i'm not talking about her having any brain bleeds or something dramatic, that she's in the clear and that she'll just grow like a regular baby, the doctors will fix anything that may come up and then come home soon. Well, not exactly.

While I was pregnant with Lauren, I often referred to her as the "muffin in my oven". So try to imagine cooking a muffin in the oven...and you're supposed to bake it for 40 minutes. And let's say the oven stopped working and the muffin was only able to cook for 24 minutes. It's not going to be completely cooked, right? There will be some wet spots, it won't be totally risen, it'll still be doughy in the center and it'll stick to the sides and if you fiddle around with it too much, it'll break and you won't be able to put it back together again. It'll be super fragile.

And let's say, you take it to the muffin doctor and the muffin doctor doesn't have as good as an oven as you did (because no oven is as good as the one you had for your muffin) but he's got a make-shift toaster oven that he's going to try and put your muffin in and try to cook it some more to make it just like a 40 minute fully cooked muffin. He tries to maybe add some more dough to help it rise and he pops the muffin into the toaster oven and tries to cook it. Your muffin was used to being cooked at 350 degrees in your oven but in the toaster oven, he has to tweak it, little by little, maybe start it off at 275 and then slowly increase the temperature. He lets a little time pass and then checks the muffin again. And he sees that the muffin isn't quite cooking right so he tries to do something else - maybe add some more flour or more yeast and tries to cook it some more. He tries to fine tune whatever he can, to make the muffin as close to a fully cooked muffin as possible. He may get pretty close - from the outside, it may appear fully cooked but on the inside, it may still be doughy or maybe even too dry. You just never know.

Sometimes, you can hit the jackpot and get the muffin pretty much like a fully cooked muffin inside and out - other times, not so much. I'm hoping we hit the jackpot.

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Btw, Lauren is now 2 lbs! She's a tiny bit over 900 grams. She gained about 15 grams yesterday but then lost about 5 grams today. So she's teetering back and forth on the 2lb mark.

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Christian is our joy and blessing through all of this. People often say how hard it must be to have to take care of a toddler at home while having a baby in the NICU. Sure, it's alot of work but I wouldn't have it any other way. He's truly been our rock in all of this. His smile, his sweet sweet smile...it literally melts away all the stress we're going through.

He's already such an awesome big brother. He often talks about Lauren. He says things like "Ishtian want to go see Rauren (he can't say the L yet) and give her hug...rike diff (aka 'like this')" and then makes a hugging motion as he swings his body side to side. And Ben taught him a little saying...... so Christian will point his finger out away from him and say, "Hey you, top it! Don't bodder my sishter!" It's the most adorable thing ever. And he'll even ask to pray for her so you'll see him holding his hands and closing his eyes tightly and we'll pray outloud for God to help Lauren get healthier and bigger so she can come home and then he'll say "amen".

I think it's amazing that at his young age of 2 1/2, he can grasp the concept that his baby sister is out of mommy's belly and in the hospital where the doctors are making her owie go away and that she'll be home soon. And that he has a natural protective instinct that he's eagerly waiting to exercise. I just love him to pieces and I think Lauren is lucky to have a big brother like him. Ben and I were saying how we both wished we had an older brother like Christian.

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Stress to the umpteenth degree. I'm running on fumes. I have much to be thankful for but much to be stressed out about too. Can you believe that Lauren's hospital bill alone for the duration she'll be treated (about 3.5 months) will be around $1.5 MM?? It sounds like alot, but then when you think about everything and everyone that's involved - around the clock team of doctors, specialists, labs, tests, xrays, blood draws, equipment, hospitalization, nurses, drugs, treatments - I guess it makes sense. Anyways, our PPO insurance only covers 80% so we're responsible for the 20%. There's a cap though of how much we need to pay...and I'm trying to work with a Financial Counselor and Social Worker at the hospital to see if we qualify for some type of financial assistance through Medi-Cal or CA Children Services to cover at least part of that cap.

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2 days before Lauren was born, I was supposed to officially start working again. My old boss wanted me to come back to work for him even though he knew I was pregnant. For those of you who don't know, (big inhale...) I was the Director of Project Management for an energy consulting firm that worked with local utilities and commercial property owners/managers on identifying ways to make their buildings more energy efficient using new technologies while getting rebate money from their local utilities to help offset the cost (out of breath). Sounds fancy, don't it? But not really. Anyways, he offered me an opportunity to make a 6-figure income even knowing I was pregnant and was willing to accommodate me and allow me to work from home most of the time...it was a dream job come true. For 2 weeks, I worked on familiarizing myself with our products and services and even developed an in-depth procedure plan for the program I was going to manage during the first time I got admitted to the hospital.

I was planning on working up until my delivery, taking a few months off and then returning to work full time. We wanted to save for a year and buy a new home. That was our plan. It was a good plan. It was the plan I can't seem to let go because it was our ticket to a new home - with more rooms...and a yard! I soooo want a yard...is that too much to ask for? Now, that dream has been put on hold...for who knows how long. It's amazing how drastically and quickly things can change.

One minute you're planning out your dream home and the next minute, you're stressing about hospital bills as you've just finished pumping breastmilk for your 24 weeker preemie baby who's in the NICU .... and you're typing about it on your blog.

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Welcome to my world.

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One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

Around noon, I went to the hospital to meet with Ben and our pastor so he could pray for Lauren. I spoke with the nurse in the morning to check on Lauren and to ask them to make an exception to the '2 ppl at a time' visitation rule. She said that was fine and gave me an update on Lauren. Unfortunately, the CPAP machine was not working for her. Her blood gases (co2) were still high so the respiratory therapist decided that intubating (putting in a breathing tube down her throat that's connected to a ventilating machine) her again was the best option. So she's back on the machine she was on when she was first born.

Seeing her attached to that machine laying on her back - I can't even begin to explain the way I feel. I feel so very sorry to her that she has to go through all of this. All because my body failed her. My body fucking failed her. WHY? I hate myself. I hate God. I hate, hate all of this. She's in pain. She's miserable. She's been poked, prodded, and pricked every which way possible. She's endured more physical pain than I can bear to imagine. At what point, as a parent, as the one responsible for her well-being, do you draw the line and say enough is enough? At what point, do all these painful procedures become inhumane or cruel? How long do I continue to let her suffer like this?

Diarrhea - Mental and Otherwise...

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Yesterday, November 3rd, 2008 would have marked my entrance into my 3rd trimester if I were still pregnant. *sigh*

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Christian has been sick - we don't know if it's an ear infection or maybe the flu. His doctor prescribed antibiotics but warned me that if he did diarrhea, to stop giving it to him. The first day I gave him the med, he diarrhea'd. So we're just trying to ride it out. Unfortunately, I got sick too. So now, I can't even go see Lauren. I've been keeping Christian from school because of the runs and because I miss hanging out with my boy. Yesterday we went to the LA Zoo and he had a blast. Today, we just ran some errands and met daddy for lunch. He's been really whiny lately and throws a tantrum almost immediately. But, I don't even get mad or bothered by it anymore. I keep thinking, I'm just so thankful he's a healthy growing boy - that's all that matters.

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Before I got pregnant with Lauren, we started doing some church hopping in hopes of finding a good church to grow with. But there was always something we didn't like about the church -whether it was a lack of connection with the pastor, or the service time, or it was too big. I've been saying how I wanted to a church nearby, that started at a time where afterwards, we could feed Christian lunch in the afternoon and have him home in time for his afternoon nap and I wanted the church to be small.

About a week ago, I had a dream about our old pastor. He was the pastor who married us. He's the closest thing we have to a pastor since we've stopped going to church. We haven't seen him since Christian's 1st year celebration. And prior to that, it had been at least 3 years we had seen him last. He's still a pastor but is no longer a practicing one at a church - he works more on the administration side for churches. Anywhoo, he popped up in my dream and I dreamt that he was a practicing pastor again and he started a small church.

The following night, while Ben and I were in the NICU with Lauren, I had mentioned to him that I had a random dream about our pastor and explained the dream. I suggested that he call him and tell him about Lauren and ask if he could come by to pray for her. The next day, Ben calls him and guess what we find out? He just started a small church (about 15 ppl) in Glendale (where we live) and service starts at 11!

You think God's trying to tell me something?

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People have warned us about the roller coaster ride we were going to endure during this whole NICU experience - LOTS of UPS and DOWNS. Lauren's been doing relatively well. Things have been, to some degree, uneventful so I'm just waiting for something to happen. One person posted on a preemie message board that even though things have been going okay, she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I completely know what she means.

But, Lauren's been slowly progressing.

She went from a breathing tube down her throat to just a nasal cannula (those nose prong tube things that flow oxygen into your nostrils) within a week - which is supposed to be really good.

She's been increasing her milk intake (Hallelujah to the fact that her little immature body is actually digesting food - to me, that's just insane that her body is doing that at her premature age) as well as the frequency.

She was having issues with some of the milk not being digested completely (called residuals) but that's slowly starting to improve (less and less residuals) as they alternated between breastmilk and special preemie formula.

She's had several blood transfusions (all successful).

Her jaundice has finally stabilized so she's no longer under a light with a mask on to cover her little eyes.

Her left eye was still fused shut but it finally opened.

She was needing assistance with her pooping so they administered enemas and she seems to be pooping okay so far.

A part of a chamber in her lung had closed up but luckily, it opened up again on it's own the following day.

She had an infection in her lung so the doctors put her on antibiotics and it's helped.

She still gets apneas and bradycardias (aka A's and B's) which is when she stops breathing and her heart rate drops. But at her age, that's supposed to be normal. She had an episode when I had changed her diaper for the first time. Sometimes, just the position they are lying in can cause A's and B's. They're that sensitive.

She's had 2 brain scans and so far, she has no brain bleeds. Keep in mind, how fragile tiny preemie 24 weeker bodies are at this stage. Their lungs are like tissue paper, their skin is almost gelatinous because it's so thin and the blood vessels in her brain is like rice paper. Yeah, it's that fucking thin. You hold her head the wrong way or give pressure and you could probably do some serious damage. So it's not unusual for her to develop a brain bleed down the road.

She went from 625 grams to now a whopping 760 grams! We'll be jumping up and down when she hits a whole kilo. A whole kilogram - 1000 grams - 2.2 pounds! I'll pick her up and think to myself, ahh...so this is what a "kilo" feels like. (excuse the warped sense of humor... i'm tired, i'm delirious, i'm sick and well, really fed up of being in this survival mode.)

But now, Ben just calls me from the NICU and tells me that they put her on a CPAP machine. It's a little mask thing they put over her nose and have continuous air pressure helping her breathe. How that's different from a nasal cannula, I don't know. All I know is that being on a CPAP machine is a step down from what she was on a day ago. The nurse said that her body wasn't getting rid of the CO2 well. I guess this is a part of the roller coaster ride.

I've been telling Ben that I'm so scared of hearing any type of bad news because so far, things have been progressing so we're on the incline part of the roller coaster - going up and up and up. But if you go up higher and higher, the drop is going to be a big, huge dip downwards. I'm scared that we're going to start the downward spiral of this whole thing.

So please, dear friends, dear random lurkers of my website and dear visitors doing searches with keywords such as preemie, NICU, preterm labor, etc., if you're reading this - PLEASE PRAY FOR LAUREN. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. When you wake up, Pray. Whenever you think about her during the day, PRAY. When you're eating, PRAY. When you're drinking, PRAY. When you're driving, PRAY. When you're going pee, PRAY. When you go to sleep, PRAY.

Thanks everyone.

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Firsts...

There were several occasions where I wrote about some of our first encounters with Lauren but didn't have time to post them for everyone else to read. Here is a compilation of some of them...

Lifting Her For The First Time

I held her for the first time today (October 21, 2008 - 4 days old). Well, more like, stuck my arms in her isolette and lifted her. The nurse had to change her bedding and asked if I'd like to help. She explained how to hold her- support her head, neck and shoulders with one hand and her butt with the other hand. I was so scared and nervous to lift such a fragile little life. I struggled trying to scooch my fingers and hand under her head. As I lifted her up, she started arching her back which scared the crap out of me because she was so fragile, she looked like she could break in half at any moment. I lowered my hand that was holding her little bottom and that seemed to stop the arching and she just lay there in my hands. She was so light. I began to tear up - even as I write this - the emotions come welling up into my eyes. She was so tiny...so fragile...so delicate. After the nurse was finished changing out her bedding, she had me gently lay her down in her new nest. And then I finally exhaled. I think I was holding my breath the entire time ... either that or I just forgot to breathe.
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First Diaper Change

October 23, 2008 - Today I changed your diaper for the first time. And it was a poopie diaper. You didnt like it very much. And I was so nervous doing it. You're so delicate and fragile - I was afraid my big hands were going to be too much for your frail little body.

Upon finishing your diaper change, you gave me quite a scare as your stats dropped and you had stopped breathing. The nurse sat you up and began stimulating your chest and your head as if to wake you up to remind you to breathe. It worked as we both saw your tiny little chest move up and down and we both sighed relief.
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First Feeding

October 24, 2008
When I got to the NICU this afternoon, Lauren's doctor and nurse were excited to tell me that Lauren was going to get her first feeding today!~ I got to witness the whole thing....

I've been pumping every 2 to 3 hours with a hospital grade pump. The NICU provides you with these sterilized little bottles so that you can pump directly into the bottle and freeze them for when your baby is ready to start feeding. So, the nurse had already pulled out and defrosted one of the bottles from their freezer. The doctor ordered 2 ccs of milk every 6 hours. The nurse used a little syringe and sucked up some milk inside and then attached it to Lauren's tube and in went the milk down to her stomach via a feeding tube. I cried as this was such a significant milestone in her development. I thanked the nurse for giving her her first feeding as tears were rolling down my face.
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First Holds...

October 26, 2008 - I got to hold you in my arms for the first time. It wasn't skin to skin but I held you while you were in your little "nest". For the first time, I got to see your face up close and examine every little detail. You have faint little lashes on your eyes already. You're incredibly tiny. I estimated your head to be about the size of a tennis ball, but when I held you, I realized that your head was even smaller than that. You're amazingly adorable. Thank you to our nurse who was generous enough to give us our first snuggle together. Typically, parents aren't allowed to hold their babies until they reach around 1200 grams. But you were stable enough to be out of your isolette and in my arms. I'll never forget that day...
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October 29, 2008 - We got to do Kangaroo Care for the first time. It was skin-to-skin. Our nurse tonight asked if I'd like to hold you and of course I said yes. She set up a rocking chair next to your isolette and carefully gathered all the wires that you were connected to...and she took you out of your nest and gently placed you on my chest. She then placed a blanket on both of us and then brought another blanket which was warmed up to keep you extra warm. You laid there on my chest and it felt so...right. It was the closest thing I had felt to feeling pregnant with you in my womb. I recognized all the little fidgets and movements you were doing on my chest as I remembered you doing the same thing in my belly. I wished so hard for you to be back where you belong - in my womb.

I held you and rocked you and hummed to you. I was extremely anxious though and several times I tried to take deep breaths to calm my heartrate down in fear that the sound of my heartbeat was too loud for you as you laid your head against my chest. I kept watching your monitor - your heartrate, your breathing pattern, your oxygen saturation levels. The nurses had to increase your oxygen, then decrease. It was a bit difficult to get completely relaxed with all the alarms going off on other babies around us - I was afraid it was overstimulating your little ears.

Then, your daddy got to hold you. It wasn't skin to skin like mommy because daddy was wearing a thermal but he got to hold you in your blankets. He was so happy and couldn't keep his eyes off of you. He was in true awe.

You tiny little creature - you've touched us in ways we've never felt before. We love you, Lauren. Please continue to thrive and grow and become healthier with each passing day. We need you in our lives. Christian oppa can't wait to see you...he talks about you every day.

OCTOBER 17th, 2008

Lauren Faith was born on October 17th, 2008 at 11:33am. She weighed only 625 grams (approximately 1lb, 6oz) and was 12.8" long. She was born at 24 weeks - she arrived 16 weeks early. This is the story of how she got here...

After being released from the hospital on Monday afternoon (October 13th - Ben's birthday), I was feeling much better. The contractions were pretty much gone and I was thankful to be home. The following day, I felt almost normal but still weak. Despite feeling pretty weak, I decided to make some dinner for the family as a way to make up for the past few days that they had to endure without me. I was getting little episodes of contractions here and there but it wasn't anything I felt that warranted another hospital visit. After dinner, I began feeling the contractions more intensely. It started getting bad. At around 10:30 pm, we called Ben's brother, Geoff, to come downstairs and watch Christian for us so that we could go to the hospital. Ben called my doctor and told her that we were on our way to the hospital because I was having contractions. She said she'd let the hospital know and got off the phone. As we got to the hospital, Ben put me in a wheel chair and wheeled me into Labor & Delivery Triage. My contractions were getting so strong - I went in moaning and groaning, wincing with pain. They put me on the fetal and contraction monitor again and gave me a shot of Terbutaline - an asthma medicine that also helped to relax the uterine muscle. The contractions seemed to lessen almost immediately. Then I began to feel very jittery and noticed my hands beginning to shake - the nurse told us that this was a side effect of the drug. As long as my contractions were gone, I was happy. At around midnight, my doctor came to see me. She had been delivering another baby so we had to wait until she was finished before she could come see us. She saw that the Terbutaline worked and didn't seem that worried. She also checked to see if there were any changes to my cervix. She said I had dilated to 2cm but that my cervix was still hard so that was a good sign. She advised me to double up my dose on the Procardia and to get another shot of Terbutaline. So they gave me 2 pills of the Procardia and another shot of the Terbutaline and had me under observation for another hour before they let me go home. During that hour, my contractions were almost all gone and Ben and I were laughing and talking as if nothing was wrong.

Finally, they let us go home at 2am. We were so exhausted. Then, at around 6am the following morning, the contractions started again. I took a double dose of the Procardia and it seemed to somewhat help. At around 10am, I began to feel it more so I called my doctor and she prescribed an additional med called Indomethacin. I called Geoff and asked him to go get the prescription for me. He came back with the prescription and I took it immediately praying for some relief. Just in case anything was about to happen, I let my friend Janet know to be on standby. I also called my friend Judy. She offered to come visit and have lunch with me. I managed to take a shower and I laid in bed moaning and groaning. Eventually I began to cry because the contractions were beginning to get more intense and more frequent. I waited nearly 45 minutes for the medicine to kick in and still nothing. So I called my doctor and they told me to go to triage right away and that the she would meet me there. As soon as Judy came, we left for the hospital. I got wheeled into triage once again. They put me up on monitors yet again, called my doctor and gave me another shot of Terbutaline. The terb seemed to work and my contractions were lessened almost immediately. My doctor came and she checked my cervix but this time, she said I was dilating more and I was getting softer. She consulted with my perinatologist and they both agreed that I would get admitted for at least 48 hours for observation and would start me on magnesium sulfate via IV - something my OB was hesitant on doing because of the side effects.

They started an IV on my right hand and began to pump me with magnesium sulfate. For the first 30 minutes, they pump it at a high dose (called Loading) and then ease it down. I've never had an IV pump through my veins that hurt as much as that did. It made my entire arm ache with a coldness that felt - evil. I instantly began to feel heavy and it was beginning to be difficult to breathe. It felt as if someone ripped the skin off my chest to leave it exposed...and then stuck a giant chest-sized 30 lb Salon Pas on the raw skin and left it there to burn. I was thankful that I had someone there with me - Judy helped to keep my mind off of the effects by trying to tell me stories and distract me. 15 minutes passed. I was so drowsy. The nurse was trying to be encouraging and let us know we were half way done before she was able to lower the dose. I felt like I was dying - I think I had said to Judy, I think this is what lethal injection must feel like. Finally, the 30 minutes had passed and the nurse was able to lower my dose to the maintenance dose. Then they finally transferred me into a room back in the High Risk Unit. So I got admitted back into the hospital Wednesday afternoon, October 15th.

They stuck monitors back on me and Judy hung out with me until almost 5pm. Then, Ben came with food and since the IV was done on my right hand and it hurt so bad to even twitch a finger, I was basically confined to using my left hand. I wasn't able to sit up on my own so I was propped up with pillows with the bed upright. I joked about needing Christian's bib to eat my burrito as I was dropping food all over my hospital gown. Ben left around 7 to go pick up Christian from his parents house and take him home to put him to bed. At around 10pm, Ben came by to drop off some of my things, a laptop and dvds. I tried to watch Sex and the City on the laptop but I couldn't even keep my eyes open so I finally went to sleep. I was waking up every hour to go pee. I was so drowsy from the magnesium, I just used the bedside commode. Each time I'd use it, I'd see blood. It seemed to get worse. I survived the night.

The 2nd day, Thursday, I was even more doped up than the day before. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink, couldn't move. My friend Janet came by for lunch with some udon - I was so hungry, I was looking forward to eating. But when she got there, I couldn't even open my eyes to look at her let alone hold a spoon to drink any soup. The smell actually started making my stomach turn so I ended up not eating any. She briefly stayed with me - I don't even remember if we talked and then she left.

My contractions started to come back again. My nurse explained that if I had more than 5 contractions an hour, that my dose of magnesium would increase as that was what my doctor had ordered. I had experienced 6 or 7 within 40 minutes - she was really hesitant to increase my dose as she saw how useless I had become. She called my doctor. Then my perinatologist came to see me. He saw how drugged up I was and told the nurse not to increase my dose, otherwise I'd become toxic. Instead, he said to give me a shot of morphine as well as terbutaline. Oh. My. God. I think that was the closest thing I ever felt to hell ... seriously.

As if the feeling of not being able to move, open your eyes or breathe wasn't enough, the morphine heightened that feeling even more. It was to the point where I had to keep reminding myself to breathe - otherwise, I'd just lay there silent and totally immobile. They decided it was best if I not get up and pee so the nurse put a catheter inside of me. Also, because my breathing was so compromised, they put an oxygen tube in my nose. So imagine me in a hospital gown, my stomach strapped with monitors, my hand connected with IVs, an oxygen tube in my nose, a pee bag, a finger pulse monitor plus leg massagers that were stuck on my calves to massage my legs because they didn't want me to get blood clots. Then the Terbutaline kicked in - my heart was racing so hard as I was laying there twitching - all the while, I'm still contracting. I stayed like that all day. I was so thirsty. But I wasn't allowed to drink anything because of the risk of getting fluids in my lungs - some side effect of the drugs. The nurse came in to check my reflexes and my lungs about every 20 minutes. Suddenly, I felt nauseous. I grabbed a cup and started to salivate and spit and then all of the sudden, I heaved and threw up yellow bile that tasted metallic. Like sulfur. It was the magnesium. The taste would not leave my dry mouth. At around 4 or 5ish, Ben had come to see me. I was so glad he was there. He got me a cup and bucket and toothbrush and I was able to brush the taste out of my mouth. I was so nauseous and thirsty and hungry. He fed me ice chips.

He stayed with me for about an hour aand massaged my feet. I was actually able to fall asleep for a little bit. Then, he left to go pick up Christian from his parents house and take him home to put him to bed. At around midnight, the nurse asked if I wanted to call Ben and have him come and stay with me... "just in case". For a brief second, I thought, why bother him but then I got another contraction and it convinced me to call. Ben came right away (Geoff stayed at our place overnight until his mom came in the morning to get Christian ready for school). Our nurse brought a cot for Ben to sleep in. We tried to go to bed. I think I dozed off and on.

Then at around 6 in the morning on Friday, October 17th, my doctor's partner came in to check on me. My contractions were getting stronger and closer together. My cervix was getting even softer. She told me that they had given me every drug under the sun to try and stop my contractions but my body was just not responding. She said that sometimes, the body knows better than doctors that the baby might be safer out of the womb than inside for whatever reason. She then said that she didn't have any other choice but to stop the magnesium and just let my body take its course and go into active labor. I felt like I was giving up. I was willing to lay like a vegetable in the hospital for 4 months, if that's what it meant to keep my baby inside. I was willing. Yet, my body was not. At 6:30am, they pulled the plug on the magnesium. There was a bit of a silence in the room. I felt defeated. There was a sense of doom that hovered over me - I couldn't believe what was happening. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was going to deliver our baby girl very soon. They transferred me to Labor & Delivery. As they wheeled me in and then scooched me to the new bed, I recalled my last delivery with Christian. I was hoping that it wouldn't be as long and painful.

My doctor came to check on me. She saw how much pain I was in and asked if I wanted to get an epidural. But I was afraid that the baby was already so drugged up with the magnesium that it wasn't worth the risk. She assured me that epidurals wouldn't pass to the baby and it'd be okay to get one if that was my concern. I finally caved and requested one.

A few minutes later, the anesthesiologist came and I explained to him that with my last delivery, I was able to feel everything and that I was afraid that it would happen again. He said he'd do whatever he could to try and prevent that. They asked Ben to leave the room and made me sit up and slouch my back while holding a pillow against my stomach. My nurse held me throughout the entire process and I was grateful. Her name happened to be Faith - a word that kept popping up during the week I was in and out of the hospital. When I saw her nametag, I immediately knew that Lauren's middle name was going to be Faith. There were just too many confirmations with that word.

I requested that I be given just a small dose of the epidural - just enough to keep the edge off so I was still feeling the contractions but not as strong...yet, still feeling some mild discomfort.

Faith asked if we'd like to see the chaplain. I said yes. She put the order in but we weren't sure when she'd be able to meet with us as she wasn't on call until 11am.

Ben's mom came to see us. As soon as she came into the room, she grabbed my hand to comfort me and all I could say was, "I'm sorry" and we both began to cry. I wanted her to be there with us when we prayed with the chaplain.

My contractions were getting worse and we were still waiting for the chaplain to call back. Ben's mom decided we couldn't wait and prayed for us.

At around 11am, my contractions jumped to another level of pain. I knew then that I was going to be delivering soon. Faith notified the neonatal team and my doctor. My water had broke and I felt warm gushes come out as I was contracting. She then asked Ben's mom to leave the room and the neonatal team came in. A couple of other L&D nurses came in as well. I felt so vulnerable and exposed as strangers were basically prepping their supplies near the foot of my bed while my legs were wide open. Yet, I was grateful that they were all there. I knew that my baby and I were in good hands.

Faith put an oxygen mask over my mouth and made me breathe in and out. As soon as my doctor came in, they turned on these bright lights that seemed to glare directly into my eyes, pulled the stirrups out of the bed, placed my feet in, had me put my arms around my thighs and told me to push the next time I got a contraction. It was chaos as I was moaning through the oxygen mask, the lights directly in my eyes with Ben by my side and over a half dozen people watching for my baby to come out from in between my legs. I was so scared of what was happening around me. I didn't want the baby to come out - not now, please, not now. I prayed to God to please let her be okay...to please save her...that all of our friends were praying and praying for this miracle...to please make this baby a testament of his faith that he'd follow through and answer everyone's prayers and let her live. But not just live but live healthily as if she were a full-term baby.

I felt a contracting creeping in - this was it...it was about to happen. I began to push 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Inhale and push again...1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Inhale one more time and push and then I felt more warm gushes and then pressure and then the baby come out. It was over. I was no longer pregnant with my baby. The neonatal team grabbed her and you could hear them quietly working on her. Ben and I just sobbed quietly. Why didn't I hear her crying? Was she alive? Please God, let her be alive, please. We just cried and cried. All the while, my doctor is delivering my placenta and trying to figure out what caused this whole premature labor as she's examining my uterus.

Finally, someone from the neonatal team told us that she wasn't crying because they had to immediately put a breathing tube down her throat because she wasn't breathing on her own but that she was alive. Ben and I both sighed of relief. About 15 to 20 minutes passed and they had done everything they needed to move Lauren to the NICU. The team began to rush her out of the room not even realizing that I hadn't even seen her. Faith finally stopped them and asked if I could peak at her for a few seconds before they wheeled her away. They gave me a peak. She had one eye open and she was amazingly tiny and absolutely adorable.

My doctor held my hand for awhile and tried to say some positive things. She said that Lauren was in good hands - that the team of doctors in the NICU, especially the ones who were initially treating her, were incredible.

I felt good about the whole birth process. Given the circumstances, the whole thing couldn't have been more perfectly orchestrated.

After my doctor left, Ben's mom came in and we all hung out in the room for about an hour. Then, I got wheeled in to my recovery room. I was surrounded by new mothers with their babies rooming in with them while I laid there with an empty womb and no baby. I felt a little sorry for myself. That night, Ben and I slept in the room listening to other babies around us cry all night long.

So that's how our little daughter came into this world. This was a long read, I know. But I wanted to put in as many details so I would never forget them. This is more for my keepsake so that one day, I can show my daughter of the adventure we went through together.

Lauren is in the NICU - she is now 11 days old. If she were still in my belly, I'd be 26 weeks pregnant. She is hanging in there...

We still don't know what caused my body to go into preterm labor. I don't know that we ever will but hopefully they'll be able to find out if I'm at risk for any subsequent pregnancies should we decide to try and get pregnant again later down the road.

To all of my friends - Thank you all for your prayers, emails, calls, texts and visits. You have no idea how much your support means to us. I know I've been super busy to reply to some of you but please know that I couldn't be going through this without you. Please continuously pray for Lauren's recovery.

Home Sweet Home

I got released from the hospital last night. The doctor sent me home with a Procardia prescription and orders to drink 3 liters of water a day plus bed rest. I'm gonna go see her on Thursday so she can continue to check my cervix and make sure it doesn't continue to dilate.

It feels so good to be home. Unfortunately, there's not much I'm allowed to do. I can sit up for meals at a table, I can get up to go to the bathroom and take a shower once a day. lol... I'll try to follow some of the rules but seriously, I can't just lay around the house and do nothing. It's driving me nuts.

I plan on picking up Christian from school this afternoon so I'm really excited about that. Unfortunately, I can't pick him up and he's been asking me to pick him up and sit on my lap and he wants to get all physical with me and there's nothing I can do. It breaks my heart. He's only this young, this size once. I want to just pick him up and hold him in my arms and have his head relaxed in the crook of my neck as I smell his hair.

Through this whole ordeal, I've realized how much I take things for granted and I'm learning I need to slow down a bit and just embrace this pregnancy and take care of my body before I can take care of everyone else.

And her name is....

TROUBLE.

I just knew that this pregnancy was off a little...I just always had a feeling that something was not right. First, my early spotting and cramping to my abnormal AFP result. But thankfully, those were both resolved - polyp removal and false positive test result (yay!). And now, we come to another hurdle but I'm staying positive that things are going to be okay, just like the other incidences.

I've been in the hospital since Friday morning for preterm labor. I was having mild cramping on Tuesday with super barely-there mild spotting and thought nothing of it. Then Wednesday night, it got a little stronger. Thursday night, the cramping came between every 5 and 10 minutes and realized that I was having contractions. I didn't sleep. I just curled in a ball switching from left side to right side. Friday morning, I called the Dr.'s office - My doctor was out for the day so her partner saw me. She checked me, probed me, ultrasounded me - I was 1cm dilated and my cervix had thinned to about 1 inch when it should be around 3 to 4 inches at this stage, plus I was spotting and then there were the undeniable strong-ass contractions that were killing me every 7 -ish mins. She said I was to immediately go to the hospital (which is like a block away) and get admitted to the Labor & Delivery High Risk Unit - they were expecting me. She scolded me a little with a "I really wish you came in 2 days ago" remark. I felt dizzy, scared, holding back the tears afraid that if I started to cry, I wouldn't stop - instead, I had a constant lump in my throat and the contractions were keeping me busy.

I got to the hospital, they took me into triage - they put an IV thingy in me and put me on a fetal and contraction monitor. They immediately started me on antibiotics (in case the baby had any infections) and gave me 2 pills of procardia - some blood pressure medicine that also relieved the uterus from contracting. About 30 minutes later, I was put on a wheel chair with all my IV stuff and wheeled to the High Risk Unit. They gave me a steroid shot in my butt which was to help the baby's lungs and brain develop faster in case she had to be delivered early. The pills made me dizzy, light headed and nauseous. I hadn't eaten anything all morning so I began feeling queasy. On top of that, the dr had ordered me to be on a clear liquid diet (in case my contractions got worse and I had to deliver "trouble" via cesarean). I was so hungry and nauseous, my mouth began to fill up with saliva in huge amounts and I was gagging and spitting it out into a paper cup. I begged for crackers. The nurse convinced my doctor to just let me have solids and she said okay. After I ate, I felt much better.

I was in good spirits for awhile. Texted some friends, was chatting with the nurses. And after awhile, as I sat in my hospital room, hooked up to the IV and monitors, listening to my baby's heartbeat it started sinking in. She's only 24 weeks. Not even, actually she's only 23 weeks and 5 days. She can't come out now, are u kidding?? At that age, she has a 50% chance of dying and a 50% chance of being delivered. And most likely if she made it, she'd either end up dying or have long term damage if she survived. The doctor said she was only 1 lb and 6 oz. They wanted her to ideally be around 3 lbs before she came out so they were going to do whatever they could to delay the labor for as long as possible. The NICU was also prepared in case anything happened. You know, it's really nice and comforting to know that everyone is preparing ahead of time, "just in case", but it scared me more than anything because it made it that much more real.



The procardia seemed to work - my contractions disappeared for a full hour - I hadn't had a full hour of relief for almost a day so I was really happy. Then, it came back - not as often but it came back. I started feeling discouraged. But they said it takes awhile for the body to really accept the medicine so I stayed hopeful. They gave me another dose 6 hours later. It helped to reduce the contractions. But at evening time, I started feeling the contractions slowly creep back. When it was time for my next dose, they took my blood pressure and said it was too low 90/40? (a side effect of the drug) so they were going to hold off another hour. (ugh). I finally got my next dose and went to bed. Throughout the night, the nurse said I was getting contractions but luckily I didn't feel them.


This morning, the weekend on-call doctor and my perinatologist came and did a thorough ultrasound and gave me some good news. Baby was swimming in plenty of fluids so that meant no rupture of the membrane (yay!) and my cervix was found to be thicker than originally estimated. They measured it at 4.2cm (about 1.65 inches) instead of 1 inch. Not that much thicker but hey, I'll take what I can.

My body is responding well to the procardia - blood pressure is slowly stabilizing - probably cuz they lowered the dosage to every 8 hours instead of every 6. Significantly less contractions now. They took the fetal monitor off my stomach which is another good sign. I'll be here for another 24 to 48 hours under observation and continue to take the procardia and antibiotics.

Thanks to all my friends who have texted, emailed, called and visited me. Without you guys being there for me during this time, I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am. I feel so blessed being surrounded by my family and friends through this whole ordeal.

Trouble, my little baby... please don't tell me this is a taste of what's to come when you're actually out here in this world. I know you're really wanting to come out already and begin your mission to make your mommy suffer but, my love, you must first get bigger and healthier. So stay in there for 3+ more months. Just enjoy swimming around in mommy's uterus and I promise, I'll be a good mommy to you and take good care of you. I love you my daughter and I'm looking forward to the day I'll be holding you in your arms.

We're having a ....

GIRL!~ It's still not sinking in... I thought FOR SURE that I was having another boy. I would've bet our life savings on it. I'm still in...in.... shock? When I tell ppl, they say I don't sound excited. It's not that I'm not excited but I just wasn't expecting it and so I'm having a hard time shifting my mindset. This whole time, while I've been shopping online or at a store, I was looking at boys things, little infant boys things. And now, the thought of having to look through a bunch of little girls things is...well, a little overwhelming. There's so much to choose from.

Anyways... we're excited. Christian is going to have a little sister. I'm going to have a daughter. She's gonna be Ben's little girl. Now I need to come up with names...or maybe I'll give her one of the boys names I had picked out.

God DOES answer prayers!!

Sorry for not updating sooner with the results....we just got back from San Diego today and Christian started school last week and he's going again tomorrow so I had all this stuff to take care of. But now, *exhale*, I'm back at my computer relaxing. ;)

We did a thorough ultrasound last Friday and the doctor said everything was fine! And the most fantastic part was that they're able to detect 90% of neural tube defects with an ultrasound so we didn't have to do the amnio!~ Thank you, God!~

I know that the chances of having an unhealthy child is super slim, even with a positive AFP result but, my goodness, when you're stuck in the middle of it, all you can do is focus on the "what if". And even though the "what if" might be small, if the "what if" actually happened, the effects of that is sooooo huge and devastating that you just can't help it.

But I'm so glad that part is over now and I can focus on bringing a healthy, beautiful baby into this world. =) During the ultrasound, the baby was crossing his/her legs so the doctor wasn't able to give me a definite answer on the sex. He said that he thinks that 80% it might be a girl! wtf?? I made him check about 5 times - literally. I kept saying, "oh look, there's the penis!" and he'd say, "no, it looks like a labia to me." lol... And then, i'd say it again, and then he'd say, "no, we're looking at the heart right now." hahaha...

My 20 week ultrasound checkup is tomorrow so we'll find out for sure what the sex of the baby is. But mannn...I really, really, can't picture myself being a mom to a girl. All I know is how to raise a boy - I am a mother of a boy. I have a son. I know Thomas Trains and legos and skulls and camos and sneakers and trucks. I have like 4 hugungous space saver vacuum sealed bags full of boys clothes waiting to be used by Christian's younger brother. I don't think a girl would look right in his old clothes...

(oh and lucy, i totally didn't even know that i could pay extra and get the results sooner! i wish i knew that when i did the amnio with christian! thanks for the info~~!)

AFP Test

Today my OB's office called with the result of my AFP blood test. I knew immediately when they called that it wasn't going to be good news. I had gone through this before during my pregnancy with Christian. Back then, they told me that my blood test indicated that my baby may be at risk for Down Syndrome (Low levels of AFP in the blood). This time, they called and told me that it was for Neural Tube Defects (High levels of AFP in the blood). I was disappointed when they told me that it wasn't for Downs. Because I know the chances of getting downs is so low and Christian came out okay at the end of it all.

This time, it's hitting me alot harder because Neural Tube Defects seem to be more common so of course it's scarier. From the beginning, this pregnancy has been "different" and I haven't felt good. And ever since I found out that I was pregnant, my worst fear of my 2nd child being unhealthy has been lingering in my mind - and now, this. It's like the 1st step to making my nightmare come true. I know the chances are relatively low and that (hopefully) things will be okay... but going through this again and having to possibly do another amniocentesis is torturing me to no end. Those 2 weeks after the amnio - waiting and waiting for the results - and all the "what if" scenarios playing out in your mind every night while you lie in bed or they'll randomly creep up on you from no where - when you're driving, doing the dishes or just watching tv. I don't know that I can handle the waiting game again.

My detailed ultrasound is tomorrow morning.

Please, God, please, please, please make this another false-positive result, please. And please don't make me have to go through another amnio - I really hated it the last time. Please let this baby be healthy - I don't know that I'm equipped to handle anything less than a healthy baby. Please, I'm begging you.

Polyp

So I went to see my doctor yesterday and she did an exam and found that I had a uterine polyp. She suspects that my body was trying to get rid of it hence the bleeding. So she removed it and I think I feel better. Just knowing that the baby is okay is a big relief. Whew! :)

Worried....

My spotting has increased to slight bleeding in the past few days with some mean cramps. Last night, a tiny, bloody clot came out (I know, TMI...but too bad). I'm so confused. Everything I read online says not to worry too much but my goodness, it's a bit alarming when you see something like that....especially when it's accompanied with constant cramping. Anyways, I finally called my doctor this morning and I have an appt this afternoon. Let's hope everything is fine and I'm just being a worrywart for nothing.

Bed Rest

I've been getting braxton hicks contractions for about 3 days now - continuously. With mild cramps that won't go away...plus lower back pains...oh and some light spotting (but i've been spotting since i first found out i was preggers). At first, I didn't think much of it...but I actually woke up in the middle of the night from the contractions so I decided to call my doctor this morning. She doesn't think it's anything too serious since I was just there for a checkup last week and the baby's heart rate was very good (165 bpm) but she recommended that I try to stay in bed for a few days. And then, if the cramping doesn't go away, to come in to check on the baby.

This pregnancy is so different from my first one..I don't know what to make of it. You'd better be a good little baby when you come out, kid. Cuz you makin' yo' mama suffer a whole lot right now.

DID YOU KNOW....

that balsamic vinegar has lead in it? And if you read the label, some of them say something like "Prop 65 - this product may contain lead, a chemical known to the State of California, to cause birth defects and other reproductive harm". WTF?

I was at Whole Foods looking for a new bottle of balsamic vinegar and saw this on several of the labels. Apparently, all of them contain lead. I got a little scared so I just ended up not buying any. =/

Baby

Conversation with Christian today as I'm lying down on the couch:

"Christian, do you want a Baby?"

"yAsh" with a big smile as he's playing on his train table.

"Do you love baby?"

"yAsh"

"Are you going to be nice to baby?"

"yAsh"

Yep...we're having a baby~! It's exciting and exhausting all at the same time. I'll go more into details in a little bit. Here's the continuation of our conversation -

"Do you want baby boy or baby girl?"

thinks about it.. and says, "beby guh-rl"

"Christian, where is baby?"

Points to my stomach and replies, "dere!"

"Can you give baby a kiss?"

Walks towards me and instead, pulls down my dress and points at my boobs and yells out, "boobies! boobies!...mommy boobies!" as he's trying to closely examine my nipple.

"Yes, love...those are mommy's boobies...now give baby a kiss"

He leans in and gives a sweet kiss on my stomach and smiles. =)


***************

3 more weeks and I'll be in my 2nd trimester... I don't remember the 1st trimester going by this fast the first time. Time seriously flies.

FAQs that ppl seem to ask when they find out I'm pregnant:
How do you feel? Are you excited?
Of course, it's exciting BUT I'm sooooo tired this time around, it's unbelievable. Just sitting upright is a task for me. In the mornings, I have maybe 3 hours of energy before I completely burn out for the day. Even a nap doesn't help.

Do you have morning sickness?
I did have a bad bout for about a week...I threw up some here and there, I had terrible, TERRIBLE acid reflux / heartburn, I'm suffering from both constipation & diarrhea... and mood swings are at FULL FORCE. I actually had a tinge of resentment towards this kid when I was at my peak of miserableness. I kept saying to Ben, "I don't like this pregnancy, Christian was such a good baby inside my belly - I didn't feel sick and I loooved being pregnant. I don't like this one so far."

Do you want a boy or a girl?
Even before I met Ben, I've always known I wanted 2 boys. Then, Ben said he wanted a girl so we decided we'd have 2 boys and 1 girl...in that order. Now, after raising a boy for 2 years, I'm kinda wanting a girl - to balance out all the testosterone in the family. BUT, I'm 99.5% sure that we're having a boy. I can just feel it - he's a boy. I see my future and I can't picture a girl - I picture 2 boys. I think I already have a boy name picked out. I did have a girl name picked out years ago, but I don't know that I love it anymore. But I'm not even going to look into girl names because I just know, this little miracle inside of me is a boy.

How far along are you?
I'm about 10 weeks. Baby is about 1 1/2 inches long. He's even already moving his little arm buds and legs. Christian went with me to the ultrasound and he saw everything. He insisted that he saw Baby's teeth and they were big. It's the most awesome feeling to experience this process with your child. Ben couldn't come with us because he couldn't skip out of work. So, I decided to record it on my little camera so he could watch the ultrasound on the computer. Unfortunately, dumbass me (i blame it on the pregnancy ... lack of oxygen to your brain = dumbass maneuvers) didn't push the button all the way to record and was holding a camera in front of the ultrasound screen for no reason at all. *sigh* At least Christian got to see it... =)

Pictures

Yeah, I know...my ass has been laaaazzyyyy about updating this blog. A couple of months ago, we switched Christian to a big boy bed...but after a few days, we couldn't handle it anymore because he kept getting up out of bed and coming out of his room - like every 3 minutes. It drove us insane. And then he'd wake up at the crack of dawn, come out of his room and into ours, climb up on our bed and start bugging us. So...we put him back into his crib. And things were back to normal. Until about a week or so ago. He can now climb out of his crib in 3 seconds flat. It's driving us insane. It used to be, when 8pm rolled around, we'd just plop him in his crib and close the door and we'd have the rest of the evening to take care of things around the house and just relax. Now, we're lucky if we get him to sleep by 9:30. Ugh.

Anyways, enough venting. Here's some pics of my TWO year old! OMG, he's TWO!~

We went to Disneyland for his birthday and he had the time of his life... He's still talking about driving the car, riding the Nemo submarine, seeing sharks and hanging out with "emo" and "nonah" aka Auntie Cindy and his BFF, Noah. Unfortunately, we weren't able to get many good photos because he was so distracted with his environment, he didn't want to take any pics.

Driving the car ride~~


Playing in the playground at Toon Town~


Dinner afterwards at Chosun Galbee~~



We went to Palm Springs with Grandma Shirl and Grandpa Stu this past weekend. Christian had a blast swimming and relaxing.




Doesn't he look like such a big boy here?!



An afternoon with Mommy at the new Americana in Glendale...

Trying to touch the water~~


Eating lunch with mommy at Cheesecake...



Lately, Christian and I have been going out to lunch alone together. Surprisingly, he's very good. He actually stays in his seat, eats his food, talks to me, laughs and we have a really good time...without the DVD player! I guess he enjoys the one-on-one time as much as I do because when there's other ppl that are eating with us, he won't stay still for more than 5 minutes.

Okay, that's all folks... until next time...who knows when that may be... =P

still sick...

Can you believe I'm STILL sick? Well, I was better for like 3 days and then I got sick AGAIN. Ben's sick and Christian's getting sick too. I feel like we've been sick all of winter. I shall post again as soon as I feel better... until then, just wanted to let everyone I'm alive...barely.

"Mammy, Mammy"

There are little moments in my hectic life where I get overwhelmed with pure joy from the fact that I am the mother to my baby boy. These are moments that I wish I could just capture and put in a little box so that I can open them up later to relive that moment. He's growing up so fast. I can't believe he's turning 2 soon. His 2nd year went by faster than his 1st year. Everyday he does or says something so cute, I just want to bite him!

This morning, Ben woke up early to take care of Christian while I slept in (we've all caught the nasty cold that's been going around). Several times throughout the morning, Christian kept coming into my bedroom to try and wake me up but Ben would run up and grab him and whisper that "mommy is sick, she needs to sleep" and take him out of the room.

At one point, Ben was doing something in the kitchen so Christian made his escape and came into my room once again. He opened the door, walked in and began mumbling "mammy, mammy" (his version of "mommy"), climbed up my bed, crawled over to my face and began digging his fingers into my eyes to try and open my eyelids. I was so tired I just kept closing them shut. But, in my mind, I was dying because I thought it was so hilarious. I think I may have involuntarily smirked a little too.

After a few failed attempts of getting my eyes to open, he decided to lean in and give me a sweet kiss and then climbed off the bed, walked out of the room and even shut the door behind him.

When I finally woke up, I was greeted with a large glass of freshly squeezed orange juice from my hubby (that's what Ben was working on in the kitchen when Christian came into my room).

Sometimes, being sick isn't so bad... =)

POTTY TRAINING

I've been trying to hold off on potty training for as long as possible. I hate the thought of having to deal with "accidents" and cleaning potties. I can picture myself gagging as I'm dumping out the little potty bowl full of poop or pee and then oh gross, I have to clean that little bowl. But where do you clean it? In the sink? In the bathtub? And then all that residual water that's rinsing the bowl out...it gets everywhere. Which means I'd have to clorox the sink or the tub EVERYTIME I clean out the potty.

I went to Target today just browsing through the aisles and then came across one of those little seat thingies you put on top of the toilet so your kid doesn't fall in - so I bought one. And after our dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant tonight, we opened it up, stuck in on top of the toilet and explained to Christian what it was. We asked him if he'd like to try it. He replied with a big nod, "shyesh" (his way of saying "yes") and so we took off his diaper and put him on top of the seat. He looooved it. He sat in there for about 5 minutes and did not want to come down. We even gave him a book to read. And then afterwards, we gave him some toilet paper and he patted his "ba-dunk-a-dunk" as we call it. Of course he didn't really pee or poop (although we were really wishing he would).

But look at that face - it encompasses a look of satisfaction, accomplishment and excitement. Priceless.

Online Sample Sale

There's a new site I discovered that holds 12 - 48 hour private sample sales at outrageous discounts. They just had a sample sale for Habitual Jeans and will be holding a sample sale for the following:

Tracy Reese 1/29 from 5am to 11pm

Plenty by Tracy Reese 1/31 from 5am to 11pm.

Be warned though, if you leave an item in your shopping cart for more than 15 minutes, it'll automatically be removed so be sure to checkout as soon as you're sure you want the items in your cart.

If you're interested in "attending", please go to www.hautelook.com and register. Use my email address sueahn AT gmail DOT com in the sponsor box. I get $10 per friend who makes a purchase! ^_^

The only downside of this is that the company is located in CA so you get charged sales tax (boo). But hey, at least you're not waking up at the crack of dawn to wait in line for an hour and fighting through crowds for your bargain.

PHOTOS

Happy 2008!~ Sorry for the lack of posts (I'm always apologizing, aren't I?). I can't believe that Christian is already turning 2 in less than 4 months!~ Time sure flies when you're having fun. Seriously, WhereTF did 2007 go??

Life's been pretty hectic here. Ben started a new job so he's hardly home. I'm still trying to get used to being a stay at home mom (which, really, I don't think I'm cut out for it - I miss working. But then I don't want to work and miss Christian all day and plus, we're planning on having another baby soon so what's the point of working other than the fact that we could use the extra income but then I'd have to spend that money on daycare. So I'd be working to send him to daycare so that I could work.) *sigh* My mom always says that if you can afford not to work, even if you have to sacrifice some luxuries, it's worth it for your child. But sometimes, I miss the stress of work. Emails, conference calls, meetings, proposals, deadlines. I thrive on that kind of stuff.

Nowadays, my day starts off with changing Christian's diaper which sometimes takes about 30 minutes because he hates diaper changes and I tell him we can't start the day without doing a diaper change and so I won't let him out of his crib and if I try to take him out before he's ready to change his diaper, he'll kick and scream and then I'll kick and scream and then I'm in a pissy mood because I want everything to go smoothly so why can't you just let me change your filthy diaper so we can go on with our lives already because I'd really like to get out of the house with you after feeding you breakfast, washing you up, brushing your teeth, rechanging your diaper, changing you out of your pajamas and into a cute little outfit so we can go to Target to buy some crap we need for you or the house and then make a stop at Whole Foods to buy all your organic milk, cheese, bread, eggs, yogurt, fruits and vegetables and then get home in time to put the groceries away which I have to carry while you like to defy me by not walking into the elevator because you'd rather play with mommy's car alarm but I need to get all these perishable groceries into the refrigerator. So I have 4 plastic bags of groceries and a large purse in one arm and then I have to pick you up and carry you with a sippy cup in the other arm and then get to our front door, put you down, put the groceries down, get my house key which you insist on taking so that you can open the door yourself and really, I'm all for you being independent and learning and shit like that but please, can I just open the door so we can put the groceries away and I can wash your hands which you for whatever reason HATE to do so you end up screaming and not standing up on the step stool that I pull up to the kitchen sink so you go limp and then I have to hold half your body with one arm and then use the other to wash your hands that you're pulling away from me - all so that I can feed you lunch by noon while you watch the Noggin channel and then rewash your hands again after we've finished lunch because you like to poke your food with the fork and then grab it off the fork with your bare hands and then shove the food in your mouth and then I have to change your diaper again, put on some fresh clothes because the ones you were wearing got dirty from your little lunch fiasco and then get your bottle of milk ready and warmed up to feed you by 1pm and then I put you down in your crib and you go off to dreamland for 3 hours. if I'm lucky. During that time, I pick up all the food crumbs and pieces of chicken, broccoli, rice porridge off the floor, wipe it down, get to the high chair, take off the tray top, clean up the chair itself because it's got food stuck all over it, grab all the dishes from the dining table, put it all in the kitchen sink and start doing all the dishes that accumulated from breakfast until now all the while I'm thinking how the hell does one little kid produce so many dishes and I haven't even eaten yet! Then I go on the computer and check emails and then omg, it's already 2? So I start cleaning because ever since I've had Christian, all of the sudden, I'm the biggest germaphobe and I need to have everything sterilized. Sterile, sterile, sterile! Kitchen counters, kitchen floors, wood floors, door knobs, play area, toys, remote controls. I swiffer the floors. I steam the floors. Look at the time. Crap! It's 3! Jump in the shower. Clean myself, clean the bathroom because Mr. Clean Magic Erasers are fucking awesome when you're in the shower, just keep a Magic Eraser sponge in there and wipe down the tub and tiles, rinse and voila, all sparkling clean! Dry myself. Try to moisturize. Get dressed. Look at the time. 3:30. Think to myself, okay...I have some time. Let me just lie down for 30 mins before he wakes up. As soon as I lie down, close my eyes, and I'm about to drift into sleep, the sound of Christian wimpering or making some sort of sound just hits me like nails to a chalkboard. FACKKK. Please God, just 15 minutes, please? I just want to lie down and rest. Please? No? I can't? He's calling for me? Can't he just wait? He might have a poopie diaper? It's okay, his butt won't rash up too bad, will it? Okay, okay...fineeee...I'll go get him! Go into his room, take one look at his adorable "I-just-woke-up-so-my-eyes-are-all-puffy" face and melt. Hello Sweetie, did you have a nice nap, love? Are you ready to change your diaper? No? Then you know the drill. We're not doing anything until we change your diaper so it's your call. Stop crying. You know the drill. Yes, I know you are grunting and pointing to go outside to the living room. But no, not until you're ready to change your diaper. You want a cracker? Okay, we'll have a cracker AFTER we change your diaper. You pooped. I can smell it. PeeYooo! STINKY!~ Let's change your diaper, okay? Stop crying. Christian! No. We have to change your diaper first! NO! CHANGE. YOUR. DIAPERRR!!!! Christian, mommy is getting MAD. Is this how you want to start off after your nap?? Stop it. We're changing your diaper...NOW. Here, play with this toy. Christian, don't throw it onto the floor! ARGHHH. How about froggy puppet? Will you let froggy puppet change your diaper? Yes? Okay, let mommy put on the puppet and then we'll have froggy change your diaper. Here we go. Taking off the diaper, wiping you down with 20 wipes because mommy can't stand the thought of any residual poop left on your behind. Put on a fresh diaper. Put your pants back on. Whew. That only took 20 minutes. Okay, let's go get you your juice and snack. Sweetie, I need to put you down so mommy can grab a new sippy cup and add your 1 oz of pear juice to 6 oz of water concoction in it and then get a lid and a straw. No? You don't want to be put down? Fine...let me just kill my back trying to carry all 25 lbs of you and goodness you're only 25 lbs, why do you feel like you weigh 50? while I bend down into the fridge and get your juice ready. Okay, here's your juice. Can you go now and play so I can get your snack ready? Yes, I'm getting your "nana" (banana). Stop getting upset. You're gonna get it in a few seconds. Here- here's a cracker. Eat this. Leave the kitchen now so I can get your stinking bananas, pear and cheese into a little plate so you can eat it in your high chair. Okay. Ready. Lift you up. Get you in. Here you go. Eat. My gawd, it's already 4:45. Where does the time go? Okay sweetie, let's wash your hands cuz you've got mush all over it from your snack. And by this time, it's getting dark. And did I tell you that I totally suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder aka SAD? As soon as the sun goes down, I'm sad. I feel alone. It's at that time, I suddenly feel like a single mother because I know that Ben won't be home for at least another couple of hours...a couple of very looooong hours and by the time he gets home, soon after, it's time for Christian to go to sleep. So after his snack, we try to play. But I'm so burnt out, I don't feel like doing anything. Christian's begging for me to turn on the tv cuz he's bored and I try to hold out as long as I can. Usually til about 5:30. Then, reluctantly, I turn on the tv and let him watch one of his little movies - Ratatouille, Nemo, Open Season, Madagascar, Ice Age, etc. Then all of the sudden...peace and quiet. He knows when I'm about to turn on a movie so he climbs up on the couch, lets out a sigh, puts a big content smile on his face, puts one arm up on the arm rest, leans back into a pillow and waits in anticipation as I slip in a dvd. Then he zones out. And that's when all of the sudden, I feel like a failure because I should be teaching him his abcs, his 123s, reading a book, spending quality time with him, taking him out to the park to burn some energy.... but I've failed. I've resorted to turning on the tv. The one thing that as I read all these parenting articles, they all say is not good. They say it delays language development. That it doesn't really help them intellectually like this article states. So I say to myself, okay, starting tomorrow. No. more. TV. ..... Shyeah right! Then 6pm rolls around and it's dinner time for him. Get his food ready. Warm everything up. Wash his hands again (yes, I told you...i'm a BIG GERMAPHOBE). and he eats or I spoon feed him his porridge while he tries to shove turkey loaf into his mouth. And I drink. Wine. Lots of it. And he makes a mess. And then he's finally done. Leave the mess of food all over the floor & table to go change his diaper again. Plop him down on the couch to continue watching his movie. Clean up the mess. Then Ben comes home. FINALLY! YAY! Then I go to the computer and zone out. Ben turns the TV off and plays with Christian. Christian comes alive when he sees his daddy. They play. They giggle. They run around the house. And I sit. In front of the computer with my glass of wine.

There are certain "sounds" that make me feel at home or relaxes me. The sound of dishes and utensils cling clanging in the kitchen. The sound of wine pouring into a glass. The sound of Ben emptying his pockets when he gets home - loose change, taking off his watch, pulling out his cell phone off the clip, pulling out his wallet. And the sound of Christian and his daddy running around, laughing and giggling is absolute music to my ears. And so Ben gives Christian a bath, they play, they giggle some more. Then he puts on a fresh pair of cute jammies. Ben warms up the milk. They read a book (Christian loves all the Karen Katz book series) and then they come over to the computer area so Christian can give me a kiss. And you hear him puckering all the way from his room and he has this adorable grin on his face as they make their way to me and he leans in and goes "mmmm-mwa!" and gives me a wonderful kiss and then they go to the kitchen, get the milk and Ben puts him to bed.

So that's a typical day here at the Ahn household. Some days are more pleasant than others. Yes, I have a nanny who comes 3 times a week to help me out. And you would think those days are the days I have "off". But, not really. Those are the days I'll shower in the morning instead of during his nap. But then I'm out of the house all day - running errands, doing some shopping for the house or the family and then I go to the grocery store, get home and start making dinner. Seriously, I don't understand how our moms worked and always managed to have a home cooked meal ready for everyone at the end of the day. And then clean up after the whole family.

Anyways. I wasn't planning on rambling the way I just did. I just wanted to post some pics of my cutie pie and then I guess I had some mental diarrhea seep out.

So, without further ado... Here are some random pics of my little spark plug. ^_^

At the park...in deep thought.



Wearing mismatched jammies...

Wearing FOBalicious PJ's from Korea with equally FOBalicious house slippers that I found in Ktown. But oh-so-cute, right?



His first Pony Ride...


The corn dropped on the floor but he was crying so hard for it, I think I actually gave it back to him. He loooooooves corn. He'll eat the whole cob and then some.


Playing at the putting green with Grandpa Stu at the Country Club near Ben's parents house.


Posing for the camera in his new red cap. He loooves hats and has a whole collection of beanies, caps, visors, etc.


Again, posing for the camera in his new Paul Frank Pimp Hat that he got from his Auntie Cindy for Christmas.


Whenever we'd go somewhere and see kids in a red wagon, he'd stare at them with envious eyes. So, we finally bought him one for Christmas and he looooves it.


Doing "Sae Bae" on New Year's.

Such a little ham...

K, that's all folks...for now. I promise. I'll try to update more.

xoxo~