Wednesday, November 5, 2008

One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

Around noon, I went to the hospital to meet with Ben and our pastor so he could pray for Lauren. I spoke with the nurse in the morning to check on Lauren and to ask them to make an exception to the '2 ppl at a time' visitation rule. She said that was fine and gave me an update on Lauren. Unfortunately, the CPAP machine was not working for her. Her blood gases (co2) were still high so the respiratory therapist decided that intubating (putting in a breathing tube down her throat that's connected to a ventilating machine) her again was the best option. So she's back on the machine she was on when she was first born.

Seeing her attached to that machine laying on her back - I can't even begin to explain the way I feel. I feel so very sorry to her that she has to go through all of this. All because my body failed her. My body fucking failed her. WHY? I hate myself. I hate God. I hate, hate all of this. She's in pain. She's miserable. She's been poked, prodded, and pricked every which way possible. She's endured more physical pain than I can bear to imagine. At what point, as a parent, as the one responsible for her well-being, do you draw the line and say enough is enough? At what point, do all these painful procedures become inhumane or cruel? How long do I continue to let her suffer like this?

8 comments:

lucy said...

Sue, everytime I read your updates I tense up and I hold my breath. I can't imagine how awful it is for you to watch your tiny daughter go through so much, but be strong. If Lauren is anything like her mom, her will is strong and she needs your support to pull her through. We are all here supporting and praying for Lauren every step of the way. I know it seem like you failed her, but this is not your fault. You did everything you could to stop this, but sometimes these things happen. Just focus on the positive and take it one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

Sue, NONE of this is your fault. We are praying for you and Lauren and Ben and Christian. We love you much. PK and Tammy

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,
I can't imagine the emotions you must be going through. You seem like such a strong person, and I've seen what a loving, doting mom you are--it hurts my heart to see you blame yourself. I don't have many "mom" friends, but the love, concern and devotion I've seem from you towards Christian and Lauren is something I find inspiring for myself. Through all of the worrying, praying, driving back and forth, meal-making, and caring for Ben, Christian, and Lauren, please don't forget to be kind to yourself too, Sue.

Thank you for sharing this blog with us. I wonder every day how you and Lauren are doing; it's nice to have a place to go to get updates on your family. We pray for your family every night. God is with you... there are too many people praying for Lauren and your family.

Love, Tammy & PK

Anonymous said...

hi sue - once again, words fail me. i try to imagine myself as you and how i would feel, what kind of emotions i would endure. and i can't. i can maybe think about it for a few seconds but its too painful to bare. i have to push it away quickly or i start to become very overwhelmed. so what i was feeling, you must be feeling like 10,000,000 and in this constant flux of sheer angst and anger and then hesitant hope. i don't know the answer sue but do know this - that all the pain she's going through now is unfortunately what she needs to live. it's so hard but one day, when she's older, she's not going to remember any of this ... except what all her aunties tell her and how incredibly brave and strong and inspirational her mother was.

Anonymous said...

hi...i dont know you at all but the only thing i hope is for Lauren to be well and healthy...i have her in my prayers...god bless her and your family

Anonymous said...

Thanks all of you for your encouraging words. Thanks anonymous for praying for Lauren, whoever you are. I'm touched.

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
You don't know me, I work with Susie Bae and I have been talking with her about your baby. I know that there are no words to help you right now but I want you to know that I am praying for her. The only words that come to mind are from the Bible: May the peace of God that passes all understanding be with you now".
Laura

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Laura... =) It means alot to me that ppl who don't know us are even praying for her. She's already captured so many hearts...