Breastfeeding is kicking my ass...

When I found out I was pregnant with Christian, I just naturally assumed I was going to breastfeed. So during my pregnancy, it didn't occur to me to do research on breastfeeding or join any classes. I thought it'd be pretty easy to do since it's the way God intended us to feed our babies. How hard could it be? Just get the kid to latch onto your boob, hold them there for awhile and when they're done, burp them and put them back in their crib, right? Wrong. I wish someone had warned me that it was going to be hard...really really hard. Who knows, maybe it's just me. Maybe it's not in my personality to sacrifice my body, mind, patience, time, emotions to feed my kid when I know there's cans and cans of formula sitting in my kitchen calling my name. I think some women are really good at this kind of motherly nurturing stuff and some women, like me, who aren't wired that way, suffer tremendously and have a difficult time with what seems like such a simple easy and natural thing to do.

First off, unlike most babies who nurse every 2 to 4 hours, Christian wants to nurse ALL the flippin time. Every hour, sometimes every half hour. So let's say I nurse him at 1:00 for 20 minutes. We finish at 1:20. Then he'll start crying at 2:00 for more. And I'll have to nurse him again for another 20 minutes when I had just finished nursing him 40 minutes ago. This pattern can go on all day and all night. Needless to say, he's gaining weight like a champ and he's getting rolls in places I never knew you could. I'm all for him having a healthy appetite but I can't sleep when I want, I can't eat when I want, I can't shit when I want, I can't even take a shower when I want.

The other day, I was in the shower and I heard Christian crying. I thought to myself, maybe I'll just try to finish my shower and he can wait it out. Then he started wailing. So I had to rinse off my deep conditioning hair treatment before the recommended leave-in time of 5 to 10 minutes to nurse him. But he would nurse for about 3 minutes and then when I would put him down, he'd start crying again so I'd have to nurse him some more and then tried to put him down but he'd start crying again. This went on for almost an hour and a half. He finally fell asleep and by the time I went back to finish my shower, my hair was practically dry.

And the pain...holy shit, the pain. Since I didn't do anything to prepare myself for breastfeeding, I started off on the wrong foot and never learned how to latch Christian on the proper way. He was suffering from "nipple confusion" because I gave him formula with a bottle the first few days when he was born because my milk wasn't coming in. I didn't know at the time that you shouldn't give a newborn a bottle when he's learning how to breastfeed because they can get confused on how to suck. So anyways, he's practically sucked off the pigment on the tips of my nipples. They're raw and everytime he sucks, it feels like someone is getting a needle and scratching my nipple over and over again. I was so desperate for help...I went to a La Leche League meeting. For some strange reason, we (Ben, Christian and I) were the only ones who attended that night so I ended up getting a nice one on one with the League Leaders. They encouraged me, gave me some tips and just showed support. It brought tears to my eyes and they made me feel like I wasn't alone. I also met with a Lactation Consultant and did a private one on one. She showed me how to correctly latch him on, what to do to ease my sore nipples and also gave me alot of encouragement. So now, I'm trying to teach him to latch on correctly but he's already so used to his ways, he fights with me and he starts crying and sometimes I cry with him.

Then 2 nights ago, I experienced my first plugged milk duct on my left boob. It was horrible. A portion of the boob was rock hard and painful. They say to feed as often as you can with the boob that's plugged to help unplug it. But my left nipple was sooooo raw, I couldn't bear the pain when Christian would start sucking. But then the pain of the plugged duct hurt just as bad. I was so miserable. Starting from 11:30 at night I was trying to feed Christian. I'd nurse him for as long as I could stand it, which was only about 2 minutes and then put him down but since he was hardly getting any milk, he'd want to nurse again...and again...and again. We continued this little game until about 2:30 in the morning. Finally, after hours of sucking on and off, heat compresses and massaging the hardened mass, and lots of praying, the duct unplugged. As I heard Christian gulping away, I felt my boob soften, and I started to cry and thanked God because I was so relieved. We were able to sleep for 2 hours until Christian started crying again at 4:30 am for more food.

But even with all this pain and suffering, I'm determined to continue breastfeeding. Everyday, I struggle and contemplate whether or not I should just put him on formula instead. It would definitely ease my boob pains...but what's a little, er, I mean, a shitload of unbearable pain and suffering when I know my kid will reap the lifelong benefits of breastmilk.

Last night, I was feeding Christian and we were fortunate enough to capture this moment...

Yep, that's Christian - giving me the finger.