God? Is that really you?

For weeks and weeks, I've felt very... abandoned by God. I felt like God wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. I felt like this was all his fault - that he made it this way. I blamed him and I was angry at him. Not to say that I don't feel this way anymore - I do. I still feel angry and frustrated at times. I still feel like God sucks for allowing something like this to happen to our little girl. I'm still mad at him. But despite all the hate I felt towards him, I felt like I had to pray. Because I had no other choice. Because he was my only hope. And I even said to God that I thought he was sick. Sick in the head for allowing this to happen to Lauren only to make me come to him and pray to ask him to fix it.

As time passed, I began telling God that I needed to just 'feel' him - to know that he was there for us. For weeks, I got nothing. You have no idea how abandoned, how unimportant and how unloved I felt. To have this type of devastation in your life and feel so bitter and angry at God... and then putting your resentment aside and praying to him to please, make things right and praying to him to please, make his presence known. And still... I got nothing. So I gave up on praying for a little while. My prayers didn't flow. It didn't feel sincere because really, I had no idea who the hell I was praying to and if it even made a difference.

But then, Lauren's daily blood gas results (where they prick her foot to get a sampling of blood to see how well her lungs are getting rid of the CO2 in her body) were getting high. Her CO2 parameters of what was considered acceptable was anywhere between 40 and 60. If it was too high, then it meant that her little body wasn't getting rid of CO2 well and then she'd have to be re-intubated (breathing tube down her throat). It was always in the mid 50s. Then, it increased to 57..then 58...and then finally it was around 59.

I panicked.

I began to feel so worried that out of desperation, I prayed. This time, my prayers flowed. I began challenging God.

I recalled when our pastor came to pray for Lauren he read us a scripture and gave us a message about the mystery of God - that basically, with our mortal minds, we're not able to understand or comprehend what it is that God is working towards but that he has a plan... and the magnitude of God. That he's so capable and so powerful that we, often times, don't ask for enough because we don't expect that it'll happen. But we need to realize the magnitude of what God is capable of.

So I challenged God.

I said, "You're supposed to be powerful right? The magnitude of what you can do is beyond anything I can imagine? You're that awesome? Then I can ask for specifics, right? So here... I'm asking. This is what I'm asking for. That you bring her CO2 level down. And I don't mean down, I mean ALOT down. And I want her off this machine, Lord, please. I don't want her to be on it anymore because it's not good for her. It's not good for her lungs. Please, make her lungs strong and develop more healthy alveoli (air sacs) and let her rid the CO2 better. And her eyes, please make sure her eyes are developing properly. In fact, I want her to have better than 20/20 vision. I want her to not have any type of preemie issues. I want all of her organs -her brain, heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys - I want all of that to be IMMACULATE. STRONG. HEALTHY. PRISTINE. I want her central nervous system to be PERFECT. I want her to have strong, healthy bones. Please, this is what I'm asking for. I know you can do it. I know that all you need to do is just put one finger on her whole body and she'll be healed. Just do it, Lord. Just place a finger on her - just breathe on her. Do something. Do whatever you need to do, because I know, for you, it's supposed to be a piece of cake - you're more than capable. " And then I included an, "oh, and please, please, make her head shape round out perfectly." =)

A couple of days later, on Friday early afternoon, I called the nurse to get an update on Lauren since I wasn't going to be able to make it to the hospital (Christian was sick). She told me her blood gas was down to 49! It hadn't been in the 40s in weeks! All of the sudden, her blood gas dropped! I was ecstatic. I thought to myself, "could it be? did God really answer my prayer?"

That night, Ben went to go see Lauren. I decided to stay home just in case I was incubating Christian's cold - I didn't want to take the chance and take cold germs over to the hospital. Ben texted me when he got there and said that Lauren was OFF THE SiPAP MACHINE!!! She was put back on the nasal cannula.

Then, last night, Ben's mom calls me. She had just gotten home from church and said that a former pastor's wife, who has the gift of dreams, had a dream about Lauren. The lady said that she saw Lauren in the hospital...and that Jesus himself was holding her. And he was feeding her. But it wasn't milk. It was something that was steaming or something like that. I wasn't exactly understanding what she was saying because she wasn't able to explain to me what certain words meant in English. But whatever Jesus was feeding Lauren, it was something spiritual. And he said not to worry. That he's taking care of her and that he has a plan for her. That she'll live and not to worry.

That made me feel good. Then, my cynical side comes out and I wonder why would someone we don't even know have a dream about Lauren being okay and not us?

When we went to church the other week, the message was about God making himself known. Our pastor talked about the story of Elijah. How he was tired and discouraged. And an angel told Elijah that God was going to reveal himself to him. Then a strong wind comes but it wasn't God. Then a big earthquake hits... but it wasn't God. Then a big fire breaks out...but it wasn't God. Then, after all that, a gentle whisper comes ... and that was God.

God, is this really you? Are you speaking to me in these subtle ways or are these all just coincidences? If it's you, please, please...continue to answer each and every one of my prayers. Make her strong. Make her healthy. Make her perfect. I want nothing less.

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Lauren went from nasal cannula to CPAP and then to the SiPAP machine on November 14th. On Friday, December 5th, 21 days later, she was taken off the SiPAP and she's back to the nasal cannula. For her being born nearly at the cut off of viability as a 'micro-preemie', being on a SiPAP for only 21 days is supposed to be super good. We are so very happy... you have no idea. But at the same time, we're scared because it's not uncommon for babies to go back on the machine after they've been taken off of it. It's already happened once with her so we're trying to be cautious and not get too overly excited.

Please continue to pray for Lauren. Her eye exam is tomorrow. Please pray that she will pass with flying colors.