So much....

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My dearest Christian,

Thank you. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving son. You have been so patient with mommy and daddy as we're trying to juggle the many obstacles we're being challenged with. You have been so understanding about us not spending as much time together so that we can go to the hospital to be there for your little sister. Times with you should be more difficult since you are smack in the middle of what they call the 'terrible twos' and with all that's going on and the lack of attention you're getting, you have every right to act out. But instead, you're more aware and I see you try to be a good son - to make mommy happy - to be a good big brother and pray for your sister every day. I feel so blessed and so extremely privileged to be your mommy.

You are the sweetest, funniest, happiest boy ever. Whenever you think about Lauren, you mention her and you say you want to pray for her. So then, you clasp your hands together and squint really hard to keep your eyes closed and you begin praying. And each time I see that, it hits me so hard in the heart. My heart cries that you have to carry such a heavy burden at your young age. Already, you have taken a role in this family where we are dependent on you. You are our rock. You keep us grounded. You keep us from giving up. You keep us from breaking down. You fill us with hope...with joy...with love... and gratitude.

But sometimes, I get so stressed and upset with everything that's going on I lose focus of how precious you are. And then I feel terrible. And at times like this when I'm reflecting about my life and I think about your adorable little face, the realization and weight of my love for you crushes down on me. My heart hurts because I love you so much. Because I want to do everything I can to make you feel safe, healthy, happy...loved. I know I don't always make you feel those things and I know my love is inadequate...and I'm sorry.

Thank you for being so pure, so good, so sincere, so sweet and so forgiving.

Me: "Christian, do you know how much I love you? Hmmm?"

Christian: "So much, mommy... So much!"