Monday, March 30, 2009


The weather dictates my mood on an almost daily basis. During the fall/winter months when it's gloomy, cold and rainy, I get fatigued and grumpy. But now that it's beginning to get sunny and warm, I find myself getting happy and energized! Add that to the fact that we're getting braver and taking Lauren out to public places and I almost feel normal again.

We're beginning to take more family outings and enjoying our time together. It feels so good to be out of our dark hole when we were wearing masks around the house because we were afraid of getting Lauren sick with RSV, me pumping every 3 hours, washing pump parts, sterilizing, preparing medications and oxygen tanks.

I never thought that I'd be where I am with this whole ordeal. I'm definitely not 100% better. Not even close. But I was in such a dark, bitter place compared to now. Though, I confess, I think that place is still there - hiding. I'm probably trying to bury it some place deep hoping that it never finds its way back to the surface. Only, I know that no matter how much I try to push it aside, it'll always be there lurking... until I decide to deal with my emotions and sift through all the millions of pieces of me that shattered when I went into preterm labor. The guilt and anger and the worries of "what if" - they slowly seep through at unexpected moments and I turn my back on them hoping that they'll just go away.

I plan to meet with a therapist soon....I just need to make the time. I want to heal from this. I need to be strong for my family because I know that this is going to be a long road of ups and downs. I need to be in the best condition I can to face everything that will come our way so that we can come out of this on top.

But for now, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful weather. And in between the constant doctors visits, therapy sessions and other exams, I'm going to keep claiming the bits and pieces of normalcy we experience and continue to push those pesky unresolved issues aside.


kathy kwon said...

good for you sue ... whatever you need to get healthy, do it. the mother is the hearth and the heartbeat of the family and if she's not well, neither is the family. but on the flipside, you look great and i've had a great time hanging out with you the past couple weeks!

sue said...

thanks, kat. i feel like i'm finally coming out of my cave and being a little more social than i was before. it really has been great seeing you too and i looooove sadie! she's so adorable - i can just watch her all day - such a little character! ^_^

lucy said...

hey how'd I miss this post? I'm so glad to hear that you are gaining some sort of normalcy and days of living on edge and being stressed is slowly becoming something of the past. I know it won't completely be forgotten but I only hope with each day it gets better. I am so proud of you Sue. I think it's really brave to admit that it might be good to take time to understand your feeling and feel strong for your family. I can't wait to finally meet little Lauren and see cutie Christian again. Josie still talk about Christian when she sees a picture of him. :)