Thursday, June 24, 2010

So many times I've wanted to write but just never had the time.  This is my space to dump my thoughts.  To purge.  To just rid myself of at least one of the millions of thoughts that go on in my brain.  But I never have the time.  Or the energy.  Or the balls.  Because most of my thoughts are deep.  Or confusing.  Or so bombarded with other thoughts that they aren't complete.  So I'll start a post but never end up finishing it because there is no end to what I'm thinking. 

The past couple of weeks have been difficult.  Raising 2 kids.  Making a marriage work.  Still trying to heal from all of what happened with Lauren's birth.  It's fucking hard.  In between all the good stuff - and there ARE good (great, even!) things going on in our lives - there are still lots of growing pains and scars and struggles that happen on a daily basis.  And sometimes it's a bit much for me to handle.  Which then of course affects the whole family.  And then, that all falls on my shoulders and makes me feel even shittier.  Bah!

Anyways... I don't even know what the point of this entry was.  Just that... Lauren keeps throwing up here and there.  And it's really not a big deal, but the past few days, it's hit me hard.  And I've been crying.  Like anything can just trigger the whole lump in my throat, eyes welling up with tears, voice shaking then instant, uncontrollable sobbing.  My heart and soul just fills will pure sadness and I become utterly depressed. 

I think thoughts like my family would be better off without me.  Everything I touch turns into shit.  I'm so sorry to Lauren for fucking up her life.  I'm so sorry to Ben for meeting a fucked up girl like me and having to deal with all of my shit.  And poor Christian who has to get scolded from me when I'm having one of my "moods".  Me - confident, self righteous, know-it-all, I am woman, hear me roar me - weeping and sobbing and feeling sorry for myself.  So out of character.  Yet, when I do have these few and far between moments where I just cry and cry and cry because I feel like a fucking failure as a person, as a mom, as a wife - in a way, I feel better.  I feel human again.  I feel. again.  I feel like shit, but it's like for the first time, in a long time, I'm letting my guard down.  I'm allowing myself to feel vulnerable.  And it's scary but maybe I'm doing it because I finally feel like it's safe to do so.  Or maybe I'm doing it because my mind can't hold it in anymore.  I don't know.

All I know is I'm still kind of in an emotional rut.  The sadness still comes and goes.  It's better than it was a few days ago but still, I'm sad.  I still feel like a failure.  I need to change.  I need to make amends.  With myself?  With God?  With my kids?  With my husband?  I also need Lauren to eat better.  That's her biggest struggle as a result of her being born so early.  Homegirl will NOT eat much.  I don't push it.  A part of me is tired of trying.  A part of me is scared.  A part of me is traumatized.  A part of me is just hoping that she'll eventually miraculously catch on somehow.  Who knows. 

Whatever.  I'm tired.  I'm turning off the comments for this entry because I just wanted to vent.  Thanks for listening and if it doesn't make any sense, it's probably because it doesn't. 

Btw peeps, this is just one little thought in my head.  I'm not always feeling like this.  So friends, don't think I'm all this depressed, sad, person who sits in the corner of the room not living life.  Remember, this blog is where I dump my thoughts when I can't stand it no mo'...and most times, it's when I've got a negative thought.  When I've got happy thoughts, I'm too busy doing happy things to sit here in front of the computer to write about it!  Got it?  Don't judge a book by it's cover.  ;)

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