Merry Christmas!~

Praying that everyone has a wonderful and meaningful Christmas...



Love,

Christian, Lauren & Family

Updates

Well, as you can see, I've changed my blogger template. I think it fits me.

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Christian has basically stopped eating for almost a week now. He caught some gross stomach virus that's going around. He was vomiting like crazy starting from Monday night. I had to wash two of his bed sets, one of my bed sets, one of ben's bed sets (he sleeps on the couch due to his chronic snoring) and lots of other blankets. Have you ever seen a toddler projectile vomit down to his feet while laying flat on his back? It was so sad and so awesome at the same time. I've never seen anything like it.

Anyways, he's been puking and diarrheaing all week. One day, after washing sheets and cleaning up puke all day long, I really had a bad bout of depression. It really hit me when Ben and I were kneeling next to Christian as he was puking into his puke trash bag - I just started crying..and then Ben started crying...and Christian was puking... and I was thinking, "how much more can God throw at us right now?!" I wanted to seriously die right then and there.

I feel so bad for Christian. Poor guy. On top of that, since he's not feeling well, he's grumpy and testy and defiant - so he keeps getting in trouble from his parents. He's not liking life too much right now. AND...he looks like a lollipop. He's got this big head with this skinny little malnutritioned body that's just screaming for food but all he'll eat is a couple of nibbles of this and that.

In spite of his sickness, he managed to go to school on Friday for his school's Christmas performance. He didn't sing - he just sat there on stage. He clapped a few times and did some hand motions but that was about it. It was still insanely cute though and we even captured a moment where he looked like he threw up in his mouth a little bit and kept it down. lol...


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There is good news and bad news about Lauren.

The good news is that she's almost 4 lbs now! Can you believe that? She weighs 3lbs 14oz now. Just a couple more ounces and she'll be 4 lbs. She looks so big to me now... She's beginning to look less sickly and looks more like a very small infant.

The bad news is that she was diagnosed with early onset of stage 2 ROP (retinopathy of prematurity) on both her eyes. ROP is a common micro-preemie condition where the blood vessels in the retina grow abnormally. There are 5 stages with stage 1 being the least damaging (maybe needing glasses) to stage 5 (blindness). She's been getting weekly eye exams. The exams prior to this diagnosis showed no signs of ROP but then it jumped to stage 2. That's not good. She gets another exam on Tuesday and it needs to either stay the same or regress. If it gets worse, she may need to undergo surgery. If that happens, she may lose her peripheral vision and there is risk of scar tissue building up and that would do damage to the retina and then screw up her sight even more. They say alot of stage 1 and stage 2 ROPs can resolve on it's own. Let's hope that's what happens here. It just scares me more because it seems like it's progressed rather fast which is a bad sign.

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Prayer Requests

Please pray that Christian gets better from this virus - he's been a wreck physically, mentally and emotionally as a result of all this. He's not his usual spunky self. He seriously looks depressed. Doesn't want to eat, doesn't want anyone near him except his mommy and daddy and all he wants to do is lay in bed.

Please pray that Lauren's ROP resolves on its own. The mere thought of her undergoing surgery just makes me sick to my stomach.

Please pray that Lauren gets off her nasal cannula soon. She has RDS (Respiratory Distress Syndrome) and if she continues to have to rely on any type of oxygen assistance it can progress to BPD (Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia) which is a lung condition where she continues to have breathing difficulties.

There's a ton more prayer requests but I'll keep it at the immediate ones for now.

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I know everyone is probably very curious to see pics of Lauren. At first, I was hesitant about posting any pics of her because, well, they aren't very nice pictures when it's of a teeny, tiny infant laying in an isolette with wires and IVs all over her body. Also, posting pics or providing updates on this blog gives me a sense of control in a situation where I basically have no control over (I'm a HUGE control freak). So I wanted to find the right time to begin posting pics of Lauren's progress and I think I'm beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the idea. However, the times when I'm writing up new posts, is when I'm usually in bed on my laptop and all of my picture files are on my mac in the living room and I'm too lazy to go out there to use the computer. But, one day very soon, I will begin posting pictures.

Thanks everyone for all your support and prayers. Despite the problems Lauren is facing, she is still considered to be doing relatively well for her size/age...and I know that has everything to do with all of our friends and family praying for her. Please don't stop praying - she still has such a long ways to go before she can come home.

God? Is that really you?

For weeks and weeks, I've felt very... abandoned by God. I felt like God wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. I felt like this was all his fault - that he made it this way. I blamed him and I was angry at him. Not to say that I don't feel this way anymore - I do. I still feel angry and frustrated at times. I still feel like God sucks for allowing something like this to happen to our little girl. I'm still mad at him. But despite all the hate I felt towards him, I felt like I had to pray. Because I had no other choice. Because he was my only hope. And I even said to God that I thought he was sick. Sick in the head for allowing this to happen to Lauren only to make me come to him and pray to ask him to fix it.

As time passed, I began telling God that I needed to just 'feel' him - to know that he was there for us. For weeks, I got nothing. You have no idea how abandoned, how unimportant and how unloved I felt. To have this type of devastation in your life and feel so bitter and angry at God... and then putting your resentment aside and praying to him to please, make things right and praying to him to please, make his presence known. And still... I got nothing. So I gave up on praying for a little while. My prayers didn't flow. It didn't feel sincere because really, I had no idea who the hell I was praying to and if it even made a difference.

But then, Lauren's daily blood gas results (where they prick her foot to get a sampling of blood to see how well her lungs are getting rid of the CO2 in her body) were getting high. Her CO2 parameters of what was considered acceptable was anywhere between 40 and 60. If it was too high, then it meant that her little body wasn't getting rid of CO2 well and then she'd have to be re-intubated (breathing tube down her throat). It was always in the mid 50s. Then, it increased to 57..then 58...and then finally it was around 59.

I panicked.

I began to feel so worried that out of desperation, I prayed. This time, my prayers flowed. I began challenging God.

I recalled when our pastor came to pray for Lauren he read us a scripture and gave us a message about the mystery of God - that basically, with our mortal minds, we're not able to understand or comprehend what it is that God is working towards but that he has a plan... and the magnitude of God. That he's so capable and so powerful that we, often times, don't ask for enough because we don't expect that it'll happen. But we need to realize the magnitude of what God is capable of.

So I challenged God.

I said, "You're supposed to be powerful right? The magnitude of what you can do is beyond anything I can imagine? You're that awesome? Then I can ask for specifics, right? So here... I'm asking. This is what I'm asking for. That you bring her CO2 level down. And I don't mean down, I mean ALOT down. And I want her off this machine, Lord, please. I don't want her to be on it anymore because it's not good for her. It's not good for her lungs. Please, make her lungs strong and develop more healthy alveoli (air sacs) and let her rid the CO2 better. And her eyes, please make sure her eyes are developing properly. In fact, I want her to have better than 20/20 vision. I want her to not have any type of preemie issues. I want all of her organs -her brain, heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys - I want all of that to be IMMACULATE. STRONG. HEALTHY. PRISTINE. I want her central nervous system to be PERFECT. I want her to have strong, healthy bones. Please, this is what I'm asking for. I know you can do it. I know that all you need to do is just put one finger on her whole body and she'll be healed. Just do it, Lord. Just place a finger on her - just breathe on her. Do something. Do whatever you need to do, because I know, for you, it's supposed to be a piece of cake - you're more than capable. " And then I included an, "oh, and please, please, make her head shape round out perfectly." =)

A couple of days later, on Friday early afternoon, I called the nurse to get an update on Lauren since I wasn't going to be able to make it to the hospital (Christian was sick). She told me her blood gas was down to 49! It hadn't been in the 40s in weeks! All of the sudden, her blood gas dropped! I was ecstatic. I thought to myself, "could it be? did God really answer my prayer?"

That night, Ben went to go see Lauren. I decided to stay home just in case I was incubating Christian's cold - I didn't want to take the chance and take cold germs over to the hospital. Ben texted me when he got there and said that Lauren was OFF THE SiPAP MACHINE!!! She was put back on the nasal cannula.

Then, last night, Ben's mom calls me. She had just gotten home from church and said that a former pastor's wife, who has the gift of dreams, had a dream about Lauren. The lady said that she saw Lauren in the hospital...and that Jesus himself was holding her. And he was feeding her. But it wasn't milk. It was something that was steaming or something like that. I wasn't exactly understanding what she was saying because she wasn't able to explain to me what certain words meant in English. But whatever Jesus was feeding Lauren, it was something spiritual. And he said not to worry. That he's taking care of her and that he has a plan for her. That she'll live and not to worry.

That made me feel good. Then, my cynical side comes out and I wonder why would someone we don't even know have a dream about Lauren being okay and not us?

When we went to church the other week, the message was about God making himself known. Our pastor talked about the story of Elijah. How he was tired and discouraged. And an angel told Elijah that God was going to reveal himself to him. Then a strong wind comes but it wasn't God. Then a big earthquake hits... but it wasn't God. Then a big fire breaks out...but it wasn't God. Then, after all that, a gentle whisper comes ... and that was God.

God, is this really you? Are you speaking to me in these subtle ways or are these all just coincidences? If it's you, please, please...continue to answer each and every one of my prayers. Make her strong. Make her healthy. Make her perfect. I want nothing less.

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Lauren went from nasal cannula to CPAP and then to the SiPAP machine on November 14th. On Friday, December 5th, 21 days later, she was taken off the SiPAP and she's back to the nasal cannula. For her being born nearly at the cut off of viability as a 'micro-preemie', being on a SiPAP for only 21 days is supposed to be super good. We are so very happy... you have no idea. But at the same time, we're scared because it's not uncommon for babies to go back on the machine after they've been taken off of it. It's already happened once with her so we're trying to be cautious and not get too overly excited.

Please continue to pray for Lauren. Her eye exam is tomorrow. Please pray that she will pass with flying colors.

So much....

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My dearest Christian,

Thank you. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving son. You have been so patient with mommy and daddy as we're trying to juggle the many obstacles we're being challenged with. You have been so understanding about us not spending as much time together so that we can go to the hospital to be there for your little sister. Times with you should be more difficult since you are smack in the middle of what they call the 'terrible twos' and with all that's going on and the lack of attention you're getting, you have every right to act out. But instead, you're more aware and I see you try to be a good son - to make mommy happy - to be a good big brother and pray for your sister every day. I feel so blessed and so extremely privileged to be your mommy.

You are the sweetest, funniest, happiest boy ever. Whenever you think about Lauren, you mention her and you say you want to pray for her. So then, you clasp your hands together and squint really hard to keep your eyes closed and you begin praying. And each time I see that, it hits me so hard in the heart. My heart cries that you have to carry such a heavy burden at your young age. Already, you have taken a role in this family where we are dependent on you. You are our rock. You keep us grounded. You keep us from giving up. You keep us from breaking down. You fill us with hope...with joy...with love... and gratitude.

But sometimes, I get so stressed and upset with everything that's going on I lose focus of how precious you are. And then I feel terrible. And at times like this when I'm reflecting about my life and I think about your adorable little face, the realization and weight of my love for you crushes down on me. My heart hurts because I love you so much. Because I want to do everything I can to make you feel safe, healthy, happy...loved. I know I don't always make you feel those things and I know my love is inadequate...and I'm sorry.

Thank you for being so pure, so good, so sincere, so sweet and so forgiving.

Me: "Christian, do you know how much I love you? Hmmm?"

Christian: "So much, mommy... So much!"

A sample of what's going on in my brain...

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Unbelievably busy. I wish there were about 12 more hours in a day. My schedule consists of generally the same routine -

Wake up
Pump
Feed Christian breakfast, wash him up, get him ready and take him to school
Come home, wash up and get ready
Pump
Go to the hospital - hang out with Lauren, talk to the doctor, nurse, respiratory therapist and anyone else who's helping her. Stay there for about 2 hours.
Pump (either at the hospital or at home depending on how much time i have)
Do errands - grocery shop, target run, dry cleaner, etc.
Come home and...
Pump
Wash dishes
Wash pump parts
Start prepping for dinner
Pump
Go pick up Christian from school
Come home and if Ben can leave early, he'll meet us at home to give Christian a bath...if not, I have to give Christian a bath
Make dinner
Pump (eat before or after pumping, depending on the time)
Clean up
Wash dishes
Pump (while Ben gets Christian ready for bed)
Go to the hospital
Come home (around 11pm)
Pump (while Ben starts washing the pump parts)

I hate pumping - it's exhausting. But, I have to continue doing it for Lauren. That's the only thing I have to offer her right now. I want her to take breastmilk for as long as she possibly can. I'll pump for 2 years if I have to.

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If I were still pregnant, I'd be 29 weeks 1/7 days today. Lauren is now a month old. Or, -11 weeks 4 days old. I know, it's confusing. There's several ways to place an age on a preemie baby. There's "actual" age, which is the day she was born - so she's a month old. And then there's "adjusted" age, which would be the age she would've been if she was born on her due date of Feb 2, 2009 - hence, the -11 weeks old age. This is why preemies are considered "delayed" - So when Lauren's 1st birthday comes around, she'll be the equivalent of an 8 month old since she was born 16 weeks early. It sucks in that sense because on her dohl, she'll still look and act much like an infant. They say it generally takes 3 years for preemies to catch up - mentally and physically. I'm okay with that to a certain extent. I know I shouldn't be worrying about things like this but I'm already concerned about annoying people comparing my baby to a full-term baby and saying shit like, "oh, she's so small" or "she seems younger than that.." I don't want to have to sit there and explain to them that she was born 16 weeks early but I also don't want them to come up with their own conclusions either. (I know, this shit is so irrelevant but hey, it's what's on my mind right now so I'm writing about it.)

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Lauren got off the ventilator a few days ago and now she's on a machine called a SiPAP which is like the CPAP except instead of continuous air pressure, it's a certain amount of breaths per minute. We're hoping she gets off the SiPAP and eventually back to the nasal cannula. The SiPAP looks so uncomfortable and she really hated it when they first put her on it. She was kicking and flailing her little arms and crying. It was so sad to watch.

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People often ask me about how Lauren's doing. I don't know how to answer that, really. I say, she's doing okay and usually leave it at that. Generally, ppl think that since she's alive and i'm not talking about her having any brain bleeds or something dramatic, that she's in the clear and that she'll just grow like a regular baby, the doctors will fix anything that may come up and then come home soon. Well, not exactly.

While I was pregnant with Lauren, I often referred to her as the "muffin in my oven". So try to imagine cooking a muffin in the oven...and you're supposed to bake it for 40 minutes. And let's say the oven stopped working and the muffin was only able to cook for 24 minutes. It's not going to be completely cooked, right? There will be some wet spots, it won't be totally risen, it'll still be doughy in the center and it'll stick to the sides and if you fiddle around with it too much, it'll break and you won't be able to put it back together again. It'll be super fragile.

And let's say, you take it to the muffin doctor and the muffin doctor doesn't have as good as an oven as you did (because no oven is as good as the one you had for your muffin) but he's got a make-shift toaster oven that he's going to try and put your muffin in and try to cook it some more to make it just like a 40 minute fully cooked muffin. He tries to maybe add some more dough to help it rise and he pops the muffin into the toaster oven and tries to cook it. Your muffin was used to being cooked at 350 degrees in your oven but in the toaster oven, he has to tweak it, little by little, maybe start it off at 275 and then slowly increase the temperature. He lets a little time pass and then checks the muffin again. And he sees that the muffin isn't quite cooking right so he tries to do something else - maybe add some more flour or more yeast and tries to cook it some more. He tries to fine tune whatever he can, to make the muffin as close to a fully cooked muffin as possible. He may get pretty close - from the outside, it may appear fully cooked but on the inside, it may still be doughy or maybe even too dry. You just never know.

Sometimes, you can hit the jackpot and get the muffin pretty much like a fully cooked muffin inside and out - other times, not so much. I'm hoping we hit the jackpot.

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Btw, Lauren is now 2 lbs! She's a tiny bit over 900 grams. She gained about 15 grams yesterday but then lost about 5 grams today. So she's teetering back and forth on the 2lb mark.

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Christian is our joy and blessing through all of this. People often say how hard it must be to have to take care of a toddler at home while having a baby in the NICU. Sure, it's alot of work but I wouldn't have it any other way. He's truly been our rock in all of this. His smile, his sweet sweet smile...it literally melts away all the stress we're going through.

He's already such an awesome big brother. He often talks about Lauren. He says things like "Ishtian want to go see Rauren (he can't say the L yet) and give her hug...rike diff (aka 'like this')" and then makes a hugging motion as he swings his body side to side. And Ben taught him a little saying...... so Christian will point his finger out away from him and say, "Hey you, top it! Don't bodder my sishter!" It's the most adorable thing ever. And he'll even ask to pray for her so you'll see him holding his hands and closing his eyes tightly and we'll pray outloud for God to help Lauren get healthier and bigger so she can come home and then he'll say "amen".

I think it's amazing that at his young age of 2 1/2, he can grasp the concept that his baby sister is out of mommy's belly and in the hospital where the doctors are making her owie go away and that she'll be home soon. And that he has a natural protective instinct that he's eagerly waiting to exercise. I just love him to pieces and I think Lauren is lucky to have a big brother like him. Ben and I were saying how we both wished we had an older brother like Christian.

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Stress to the umpteenth degree. I'm running on fumes. I have much to be thankful for but much to be stressed out about too. Can you believe that Lauren's hospital bill alone for the duration she'll be treated (about 3.5 months) will be around $1.5 MM?? It sounds like alot, but then when you think about everything and everyone that's involved - around the clock team of doctors, specialists, labs, tests, xrays, blood draws, equipment, hospitalization, nurses, drugs, treatments - I guess it makes sense. Anyways, our PPO insurance only covers 80% so we're responsible for the 20%. There's a cap though of how much we need to pay...and I'm trying to work with a Financial Counselor and Social Worker at the hospital to see if we qualify for some type of financial assistance through Medi-Cal or CA Children Services to cover at least part of that cap.

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2 days before Lauren was born, I was supposed to officially start working again. My old boss wanted me to come back to work for him even though he knew I was pregnant. For those of you who don't know, (big inhale...) I was the Director of Project Management for an energy consulting firm that worked with local utilities and commercial property owners/managers on identifying ways to make their buildings more energy efficient using new technologies while getting rebate money from their local utilities to help offset the cost (out of breath). Sounds fancy, don't it? But not really. Anyways, he offered me an opportunity to make a 6-figure income even knowing I was pregnant and was willing to accommodate me and allow me to work from home most of the time...it was a dream job come true. For 2 weeks, I worked on familiarizing myself with our products and services and even developed an in-depth procedure plan for the program I was going to manage during the first time I got admitted to the hospital.

I was planning on working up until my delivery, taking a few months off and then returning to work full time. We wanted to save for a year and buy a new home. That was our plan. It was a good plan. It was the plan I can't seem to let go because it was our ticket to a new home - with more rooms...and a yard! I soooo want a yard...is that too much to ask for? Now, that dream has been put on hold...for who knows how long. It's amazing how drastically and quickly things can change.

One minute you're planning out your dream home and the next minute, you're stressing about hospital bills as you've just finished pumping breastmilk for your 24 weeker preemie baby who's in the NICU .... and you're typing about it on your blog.

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Welcome to my world.

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One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

Around noon, I went to the hospital to meet with Ben and our pastor so he could pray for Lauren. I spoke with the nurse in the morning to check on Lauren and to ask them to make an exception to the '2 ppl at a time' visitation rule. She said that was fine and gave me an update on Lauren. Unfortunately, the CPAP machine was not working for her. Her blood gases (co2) were still high so the respiratory therapist decided that intubating (putting in a breathing tube down her throat that's connected to a ventilating machine) her again was the best option. So she's back on the machine she was on when she was first born.

Seeing her attached to that machine laying on her back - I can't even begin to explain the way I feel. I feel so very sorry to her that she has to go through all of this. All because my body failed her. My body fucking failed her. WHY? I hate myself. I hate God. I hate, hate all of this. She's in pain. She's miserable. She's been poked, prodded, and pricked every which way possible. She's endured more physical pain than I can bear to imagine. At what point, as a parent, as the one responsible for her well-being, do you draw the line and say enough is enough? At what point, do all these painful procedures become inhumane or cruel? How long do I continue to let her suffer like this?

Diarrhea - Mental and Otherwise...

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Yesterday, November 3rd, 2008 would have marked my entrance into my 3rd trimester if I were still pregnant. *sigh*

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Christian has been sick - we don't know if it's an ear infection or maybe the flu. His doctor prescribed antibiotics but warned me that if he did diarrhea, to stop giving it to him. The first day I gave him the med, he diarrhea'd. So we're just trying to ride it out. Unfortunately, I got sick too. So now, I can't even go see Lauren. I've been keeping Christian from school because of the runs and because I miss hanging out with my boy. Yesterday we went to the LA Zoo and he had a blast. Today, we just ran some errands and met daddy for lunch. He's been really whiny lately and throws a tantrum almost immediately. But, I don't even get mad or bothered by it anymore. I keep thinking, I'm just so thankful he's a healthy growing boy - that's all that matters.

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Before I got pregnant with Lauren, we started doing some church hopping in hopes of finding a good church to grow with. But there was always something we didn't like about the church -whether it was a lack of connection with the pastor, or the service time, or it was too big. I've been saying how I wanted to a church nearby, that started at a time where afterwards, we could feed Christian lunch in the afternoon and have him home in time for his afternoon nap and I wanted the church to be small.

About a week ago, I had a dream about our old pastor. He was the pastor who married us. He's the closest thing we have to a pastor since we've stopped going to church. We haven't seen him since Christian's 1st year celebration. And prior to that, it had been at least 3 years we had seen him last. He's still a pastor but is no longer a practicing one at a church - he works more on the administration side for churches. Anywhoo, he popped up in my dream and I dreamt that he was a practicing pastor again and he started a small church.

The following night, while Ben and I were in the NICU with Lauren, I had mentioned to him that I had a random dream about our pastor and explained the dream. I suggested that he call him and tell him about Lauren and ask if he could come by to pray for her. The next day, Ben calls him and guess what we find out? He just started a small church (about 15 ppl) in Glendale (where we live) and service starts at 11!

You think God's trying to tell me something?

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People have warned us about the roller coaster ride we were going to endure during this whole NICU experience - LOTS of UPS and DOWNS. Lauren's been doing relatively well. Things have been, to some degree, uneventful so I'm just waiting for something to happen. One person posted on a preemie message board that even though things have been going okay, she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I completely know what she means.

But, Lauren's been slowly progressing.

She went from a breathing tube down her throat to just a nasal cannula (those nose prong tube things that flow oxygen into your nostrils) within a week - which is supposed to be really good.

She's been increasing her milk intake (Hallelujah to the fact that her little immature body is actually digesting food - to me, that's just insane that her body is doing that at her premature age) as well as the frequency.

She was having issues with some of the milk not being digested completely (called residuals) but that's slowly starting to improve (less and less residuals) as they alternated between breastmilk and special preemie formula.

She's had several blood transfusions (all successful).

Her jaundice has finally stabilized so she's no longer under a light with a mask on to cover her little eyes.

Her left eye was still fused shut but it finally opened.

She was needing assistance with her pooping so they administered enemas and she seems to be pooping okay so far.

A part of a chamber in her lung had closed up but luckily, it opened up again on it's own the following day.

She had an infection in her lung so the doctors put her on antibiotics and it's helped.

She still gets apneas and bradycardias (aka A's and B's) which is when she stops breathing and her heart rate drops. But at her age, that's supposed to be normal. She had an episode when I had changed her diaper for the first time. Sometimes, just the position they are lying in can cause A's and B's. They're that sensitive.

She's had 2 brain scans and so far, she has no brain bleeds. Keep in mind, how fragile tiny preemie 24 weeker bodies are at this stage. Their lungs are like tissue paper, their skin is almost gelatinous because it's so thin and the blood vessels in her brain is like rice paper. Yeah, it's that fucking thin. You hold her head the wrong way or give pressure and you could probably do some serious damage. So it's not unusual for her to develop a brain bleed down the road.

She went from 625 grams to now a whopping 760 grams! We'll be jumping up and down when she hits a whole kilo. A whole kilogram - 1000 grams - 2.2 pounds! I'll pick her up and think to myself, ahh...so this is what a "kilo" feels like. (excuse the warped sense of humor... i'm tired, i'm delirious, i'm sick and well, really fed up of being in this survival mode.)

But now, Ben just calls me from the NICU and tells me that they put her on a CPAP machine. It's a little mask thing they put over her nose and have continuous air pressure helping her breathe. How that's different from a nasal cannula, I don't know. All I know is that being on a CPAP machine is a step down from what she was on a day ago. The nurse said that her body wasn't getting rid of the CO2 well. I guess this is a part of the roller coaster ride.

I've been telling Ben that I'm so scared of hearing any type of bad news because so far, things have been progressing so we're on the incline part of the roller coaster - going up and up and up. But if you go up higher and higher, the drop is going to be a big, huge dip downwards. I'm scared that we're going to start the downward spiral of this whole thing.

So please, dear friends, dear random lurkers of my website and dear visitors doing searches with keywords such as preemie, NICU, preterm labor, etc., if you're reading this - PLEASE PRAY FOR LAUREN. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. When you wake up, Pray. Whenever you think about her during the day, PRAY. When you're eating, PRAY. When you're drinking, PRAY. When you're driving, PRAY. When you're going pee, PRAY. When you go to sleep, PRAY.

Thanks everyone.

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