The Perfect Parent

What does that mean? This thought has been bugging me the past few days. It keeps popping into my head at random times so I feel like if I don't dump this thought out, it won't leave me alone. Ever get those? It's annoying.

Anyways... I guess I've been thinking about it because I'm beginning to see that Christian is no longer a little toddler but he's turning into a little KID now. It's all happening oh so fast. Not so much like he's physically getting big, (of course, that too) but more like I'm getting glimpses into his brilliant little mind and I'm realizing he's no longer my baby but his own person with his own deep thoughts. And I do mean deep. The boy's got some deep layers already. He reminds me so much of me when I was young. For me though, since my parents didn't speak much English and I couldn't speak much Korean, sadly, our conversations were pretty limited and it was very frustrating for me. So I try to have conversations with Christian as much as I can. He's trying to wrap his 3 1/2 year-old mind around all sorts of things and to be honest, I don't know how to answer this stuff. "Where does God live? He can see us? Who made this sink? Did God make this sink for us?" And the past nearly 2 weeks, he's been very stressed about not wanting to grow up.

Every night, he keeps saying to me that he doesn't want to grow bigger. He says stuff like, he doesn't want to turn 4. He wants to stay 3 and for Lauren to stay 1 forever because he doesn't want to grow up. It's like he's sensing that he's not that oblivious little toddler anymore because he's experiencing emotions and actually pondering lots of thoughts which he hadn't before. He says that if he grows up, he'll be too big and that I won't be able to carry him and that his feet will drag on the floor. He's even cried because the thought was too much for him to handle. He said that he didn't want to grow bigger than daddy. Although, I think he's getting the concept of growing up, physically getting bigger and growing older all confused - something about getting older to him, is stressing the poor kid out. It made me cry too.

And as I converse with this little mini adult, I feel a fear growing inside of me about the future. The future of his adolescence when there will be temptations of social peer pressures such as ditching school, girls, drugs - that whole experimental/rebellious stage. And I feel like today's youth is worse than ever before. So I'm constantly thinking how I can be a better parent - what do I need to do to make sure he stays a good kid who knows better, has his priorities straight and becomes the type of kid who'll want to stay away from stuff like that. How do I become the Perfect Parent?

But what does that even mean? Does the perfect parent even exist? I was thinking... Who, out of all the parents I know, would I consider to be the closest thing to "perfect"? No one, really. We all have flaws. What defines a perfect parent? Or an ideal parent? What are the qualities that define that role? If your kid turns out healthy, happy, and just generally good - does that reflect good parenting skills? And if your kid turns out to be screwed up, does that reflect bad on the parent? Does perfect parent = perfect kid?

Then I thought - Duh! God! God is "perfect", right? And, God is our Father. Therefore, God is the perfect parent, no? So then, how come we're not the perfect kids if God is the perfect parent? (As I'm thinking all of this, I'm simultaneously thinking, why the hell am I thinking about this shit? But this is what my brain does. It doesn't like to stay stagnant so it creates drama for itself and provokes annoying thoughts and drives me crazy. I'm also thinking that I need to pay the bills, reschedule some appointments, fold the laundry, and that I'm tired and I wish I could turn my brain off. *sigh*) Now where was I? Oh yeah... God. The Perfect Parent. So if God is perfect then how come we're all so screwed up?

Because...

He gave us this darned thing called Free Will.

This damned Free Will scares the shit out of me.

Because of it, no matter what I do as a parent, there are no guarantees. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we all have the freedom to choose what we want to do, I guess. But sometimes, I guess lots of times, I think it would've been a lot simpler if Adam didn't eat the forbidden fruit and we all lived naked, picking berries and frolicking around in the Garden of Eden and just doing as God says. At least that's what I picture in my crazy head.

Anyways... back to the subject.

I know people who were raised by wonderful parents who marinated their kids with love and support but the kids ended up, well, pretty screwed up. Which then got me to think...what's the ideal outcome for your child? What do I want for Christian and Lauren?

I want them to be happy, healthy, responsible, loving, giving, compassionate, generous, honest, respectful, smart, humble, influential individuals knowing that God exists and making Him the center of their lives (even though my future entries will sound like I am challenging God, I do believe in Him and I want my children to believe in Him. Because, I do believe that without Him, there is no purpose in life. Eh... it's complicated.) So how do I get a favorable outcome like this when I've got Free Will working against me?

Prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

And faith?

I don't know.

I just gotta make sure that Ben and I, as parents, teach them the proper lessons in life to equip them with the right tools to make their own decisions when they're faced with challenges and pray for the best. But without them making their own mistakes and learning from them, they won't know right from wrong and they won't grow into the good individuals that I want them to be. No?

It was because of Free Will that made me choose to accept Christ in Jr. High when my good friend took me to a retreat one summer. Then, it was Free Will that made me choose to become a rebellious teenager thereafter and an ever crazier party girl in my early twenties. I was every parents' worst nightmare. I started smoking in my early teens, I experimented with drugs, I ditched school ALL the time but I was a smart kid. I was in all those honors classes and even competed in Academic Decathalon. I was a rebellious nerd. But I blame my rebellion because of my fucked up childhood (that's another post - which could take many many posts to explain. when i'm ready and in the mood.) I would probably die of a heart attack if my kids end up doing half the things I did growing up (Oh God, please don't let them be that bad, please!). I was one screwed up kid. But it was the grace of God that I think I ended up okay (On the outside. Mentally, I think I'm a mess). I got married to a freaking awesome man and we have 2 freaking beautiful children. But if it wasn't for my experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. So I feel like it's almost necessary to go through the bad to get to the good. Ugh.

There seems to be a fine balancing act with all of this. Free will and parenting. Ultimately, I guess I just need to trust God and know that He has a plan for us. And just pray that I do the best job I can to be the best parent I can in this screwed up world we live in.

But now, it's got me thinking this - If God has a plan for all of us, doesn't that mean that our lives are already predestined?

And how does predestination and free will come into play with eachother?

Great...

Another friggin thought that will probably eat away at my brain. *sigh*

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm alive...this blog is alive. There's so much I want to share. I've just been super busy. Living life. Taking care of my two awesome kids. I'll be back. Hopefully soon. One of my goals in 2010 is to write more often so I'll be back soon~~~ =D

xoxo~~

Toddler Speak

C: "Open dif fo me mommy, open diffff!" (as we're opening all of his birthday toys)

M: "Okay, here, let me open it for you."

C: "Ret me help you~~"

M: "You want to help me help you open your gift?"

C: "Yeah mommy, it's called TEAMWORK"

Normalcy

The weather dictates my mood on an almost daily basis. During the fall/winter months when it's gloomy, cold and rainy, I get fatigued and grumpy. But now that it's beginning to get sunny and warm, I find myself getting happy and energized! Add that to the fact that we're getting braver and taking Lauren out to public places and I almost feel normal again.

We're beginning to take more family outings and enjoying our time together. It feels so good to be out of our dark hole when we were wearing masks around the house because we were afraid of getting Lauren sick with RSV, me pumping every 3 hours, washing pump parts, sterilizing, preparing medications and oxygen tanks.

I never thought that I'd be where I am with this whole ordeal. I'm definitely not 100% better. Not even close. But I was in such a dark, bitter place compared to now. Though, I confess, I think that place is still there - hiding. I'm probably trying to bury it some place deep hoping that it never finds its way back to the surface. Only, I know that no matter how much I try to push it aside, it'll always be there lurking... until I decide to deal with my emotions and sift through all the millions of pieces of me that shattered when I went into preterm labor. The guilt and anger and the worries of "what if" - they slowly seep through at unexpected moments and I turn my back on them hoping that they'll just go away.

I plan to meet with a therapist soon....I just need to make the time. I want to heal from this. I need to be strong for my family because I know that this is going to be a long road of ups and downs. I need to be in the best condition I can to face everything that will come our way so that we can come out of this on top.

But for now, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful weather. And in between the constant doctors visits, therapy sessions and other exams, I'm going to keep claiming the bits and pieces of normalcy we experience and continue to push those pesky unresolved issues aside.

A Lesson In Love

Lauren is beginning to get her nights and days mixed up. She sleeps during the day and then is fully awake at night wanting to be put over someone's shoulder and then walked around. The lack of sleep is beginning to really take a toll on us.

Starting this month, I decided to keep Christian home from school 2 days a week just so I can spend some time with him. He's growing up so fast and I feel like I'm missing out on the cutest age ever. So, today, I had both kids with me. He was an angel. She, well, was not such an angel. I wasn't able to put Lauren down for more than 2 minutes - literally. She was driving me nuts with her shrilly cry.

At one point, I got so fed up, I snapped at her. To me, it didn't sound too bad - I just sounded really annoyed and kept saying, "what! what! what do you want?!" as I was walking down the hall with her in my sling. I walked into Christian's room and in the middle of playing with his toys, he looked down at the floor and just sat there looking sad.

I asked him, "What's wrong, honey?"

C: "Mommy mad to Rauren."

Me: "Oh honey, no, mommy's not mad - mommy's just tired of hearing Lauren cry."

C: "Mommy happy?"

Me: "Yes, honey...mommy's happy. Mommy loves Christian and Lauren very much."

C: "Then, mommy talk nice to Rauren."

I nearly cried when I heard him say those words.

He could've easily been jealous of Lauren because he wanted me to play cars with him all day but I couldn't really.

He could've easily been resentful to her because he was forced to keep on a poopie diaper for over 10 minutes while I was nursing - all he kept saying was "owie, owie - poopie diaper" as he patiently waited.

He could've easily been annoyed at the fact that he was trying to watch tv but Lauren's cry kept drowning out the characters' voices - instead, he went over to Lauren's swing and tried to comfort her with a cheerful, "Hi, Rauren!" as I was trying to get dinner ready.

In that moment when he told me to talk nice to Lauren, I was humbled. I realized he was so right. All day today he was nothing but patient and thoughtful to his little sister.

Today, my son taught me a simple lesson in love.

Our Budding Little Chef

One of Christian's favorite books is a book by Karen Katz called Grandpa and Me where the grandkid and grandpa make a pizza together. Everytime he reads that book, he pretends he's making the dough, sprinkling the cheese, sticking it in the oven and then gobbles up the imaginary pizza. So, we thought it'd be a great idea to make pizza at home and have him really play the part.

I made him a makeshift chef hat using cardstock and tissue paper, presliced all the ingredients and just had him assemble everything. He had a ton of fun and we got to eat a healthy whole wheat organic homemade pizza made by our budding little culinary artist!~ Enjoy the pics!!

Hi Everyone! Today, I'm going to show you how to make a delicious homemade pizza. First, you need to put on your chef hat.

Then, you add some sauce on the crust.


Make sure you put lots of sauce on!


Then, sprinkle lots of cheese.


Add fresh tomatoes and other toppings of your choice.


Here mommy, have a taste!


Mmmm...Pepperoni!


Bake in the oven and Voila! Yummy, delicious, healthy homemade pizza!~


Enjoying the fruits of my labor. Chef Christian signing off!~ ;)

I've Finally Caved...

and jumped on the FaceBook bandwagon.

Because all of my friends are talking about pictures of eachothers' kids on their facebook accounts and I'm the only one who doesn't know what's going on.

But the idea of someone from my past being able to track me down is not appealing. Not that I have anything to hide. But I'm the type of person who likes to weed out all unnecessary relationships and just keep the ones that are meaningful.

I have a close knit circle of people who I can truly call friends and I am soooooooo grateful to have them in my life. I don't want my inner circle to be invaded by a bunch of people I don't really know or care to know.

Plus, I feel like Facebook can take up a lot of time. Time that I don't have to spare. But can easily get sucked into.

Oh what the hell am I complaining about - I run a public blog for crying out loud. And I'm announcing that I'm on Facebook.

I just want to be able to see my friends and their babies.

So girls... how does this work? Do you add me as a friend? And then I get to see pictures? Sorry, I'm Facebook illiterate. =/